Welcome to my blog! :)

My name is Jodie. I'm a young girl trying to put my life together and figure out where i'm going. I love obese cats, dressing up, and art. This blog is just my place to rant and throw my feelings out into the world. This is my safety zone, i won't hold back what i'm feeling for anything. I guess this is like a personal diary to me, that anyone is free to read. I think life is beautiful, and at the moment i'm spending my time putting mine together.

I hear the cries of an unhappy individual who's lived an extremely hard life. She's lived through abuse, fear, and even death of her own child. So what do you do when you know someone you care about isn't happy with their life anymore and you're powerless to change that? It seems like happiness is something everyone strives for these days with society the way it is, and reaching the feeling of happiness is almost impossible. I wish for a lot of things, i mean i guess everyone does. But when my wishes involve a change in the lifestyle of other people around me, it seems like my dreams are far off in the distance, and i'm unable to grasp onto them.

My future is starting to become a large foggy cloud and everytime i try to think even five minutes ahead, i feel like my life is being changed dramatically. I don't feel like my dreams are on an unrealistic level, but somehow i keep lowering the standards for myself. My father told me the other day that he thinks i should become a writer. For him to tell me that i have enough potential to be capable of doing something i've always dreamed of, makes me wonder if all along i really have been too hard on myself. If you knew my dad, you'd understand why i feel the way i do. Since i was just a child, he's always had low standards for me. He's never believed in me and he always feared i'd make bad choices and screw up my life just like some of my relatives have. For him to tell me have talent and should follow my dreams really hits a spot in my heart. It makes me feel like maybe i'm being too hard on myself, and i am capable of more then i think. All i've ever wanted to do in my life is make my parents proud of me. If i can make something of myself and give back even half of what they've given me, i'd be happy.

So this whole thing got me thinking....
Am i a writer? Was i born to write? I came across a fellow blogger the other days who said her definition of a writer was someone who dropped everything they were doing when they got an idea and wrote it down before they had time to forget. I find myself guilty in that action quite often. I've actually gotten ideas while i've been sleeping and woken up out of my sleep to write them down. So does that make me a writer? No, but my passion for the colors in every word and the poetry writing can bring out that speaking can't makes me a writer. I can get my thoughts out through writing much easier then i can speak it through the finest tone of my lips. The stutter you hear in my daily sentences doesn't come out when i'm writing. I feel fearless and proud when i write; it makes everything in my life understandable; it clears everything up. To me, writing is my mind touching in on something i can't speak up on.

I got asked the other day what i look for in a significant other, specifically a guy. I honestly couldn't answer any specific traits about any given individual that i love. Everyone that i've ever dated look and act so much different from eachother. It makes me realize that i don't have a specific "type" of person that i fall for. So what makes me attracted to someone? You know just as much as i do. When it comes to dating, i feel like a kid in a toy store shopping for a new bike. You don't know anything about the bikes, you just point your finger at one and say "i want that one". That's kind of of how i pick my men (and women). I see something i like, and i want it. If i don't get it, i don't throw a fit i just move on to something else... I guess what really attracts me is just someone i can feel comfortable enough talking with. It's difficult for me to keep a conversation going with someone without making anything feel awkward after about two sentences. Which is exactly why i refer to writing to get my emotions out, because i'm not talented with my words. I stutter and hate feeling embarassed, so i keep conversations small. If i'm able to find someone who i'm able to really open up with, that's really special in my book. i guess just an individual who i'm able to get along with, who wouldn't get bored of me and who shares similar interests with me is all i'm looking for. I never really get jealous or carry drama on my shoulders, so some find me boring. That's alright with me though, i'd rather find someone who would never fight with me to be with rather then someone who pounces on drama. So, if you ever ask me what i look for in a potential relationship, here's my answer. Keep a conversation going, and be honest with me. That's all i ask of. The rest is history, as they say...

As i'm writing this beautiful blog here, i'm listening to Andrew Garcia's "Little Piece Of Home". For those of you unfamiliar with his handsome face, Andrew was on this season's American Idol. He's my inspiration, and i honestly can't get enough of his voice. Its got a tone that just absorbs my soul and makes me calmer then the summertime breeze. Speaking of summertime, i literally have about 20 lays left until vacation. I layed in my bed lastnight and there was still light shining through my window at 10pm. How am i supposed to sleep when i know there's still life meant to be outside? Summer is creeping around slower then i ever expected. I can't wait any longer to get my car, and finally start my life again. The only downside of summer coming is that David is moving. The guy i've become closest to these past couple months, my brother that i care about dearly. He'll be moving across the states, and i'll honestly be heartbroken when he leaves. As much as i'd like to say we're going to stay in contact and remain close, i just don't see it happening. I'll definetly pray for the best, but going to college is a big thing. You make life changes and don't necessarily hang onto your past. How do you just deal with losing a big brother? He may not be blood but this guy has become my family, and saying bye to him will be one of the hardest things i'll have to do. My sister is even closer to him then i am; i couldn't imagine how hard this will be for her. It's already tearing me apart just thinking about it.

The ending to this blog wasn't really written, so it's this sentence i guess.
I'm thinking about changing the way i write my blogs, no? We'll see next blog i post.
xoxo.

Labels: college, future, happy, moving, relationships, writer

Inspiration has been lingering around the air lately, and emotions have been filling inside my heart. My pen had no better say then to find it's way onto my notebook and decided a blog must be written. I've been chipping my firetruck red nailpolish, biting my lip, and stuttering an exessive amount lately. I know i have a lot going on, but things tell me there must be something serious that's digging at my organs. To be honest, i can't pinpoint what exactly it is though.

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I just recently found out that two girls i attended elementry school with are pregnant at sixteen. It's a weird situation to look at someone that i've known my whole childhood and think that now they're having a child of their own. As a personal opinion, i've seen how tricky teenage motherhood is. It brings a lot of struggles and even for couples who think they're going to be together forever; a child changes everything. I hope these girls the best, i know i could never do it. It'd destroy everything i've ever worked for. A child could not be an option for me at this age.

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When someone is cheated on, they get a feeling of vulnerability and wonder why they weren't good enough. Their self esteem gets shot to its grave, and it makes a person feel worthless. I've been cheated on; it seriously does kill any confidence you have for yourself. I never understood the point of cheating. I saw it as, if you're not happy with the person you're in a relationship with, then don't be in a relationship with them. Plain and simple. Being unfaithful and slutty is just unnecessary.

Infidelity is disgusting. But to be honest, lying about your past and/or feelings towards someone grosses me out even more. When i find out i've been lied to in a relationship, i feel like i've been dating a stranger. It's like kissing a disease stained pig, and i honestly just want to wash my face in acid, because soap will not do the job. I just don't understand why honesty is so hard to come by these days. Not just in relationships, but in friendships too. I'm making my own happniess my first priority these days. I have a couple really important people in my life, but other then that it's just about me now, building myself as a person and getting to where i need to be.

While I'm on the topic of relationships, i realized something recently that kind of got me thinking. I don't really think i've ever fallen in love with a person yet. I believed i had at the time, but looking back on it, i think i fell in love with the fact of being in a relationship. I haven't been around someone long enough to actually be able to fall in love with them. The idea of someone caring about me, and being able to kiss them whenever i want is something i love. It always takes me a long time to get over breakups but i realize it's not because i miss the person who hurt me. I just miss having someone to act special around. I never have fallen in love yet. There's been many times i thought i have, especially in these recent blogs if you've read them, but it's all been a big false alarm. Maybe i don't even know what love is. I know i love my family, and the few friends that i do have. and i know i love being in a relationship. But i guess i have to really care about someone to actually even consider dating them, because i'm not the type of person who thinks just anyone is attractive. It's pretty rare for moi to think a person is someone i could end up being with. Love, is just complicated. It confuses me and I quite honestly just don't think i'm ready to fall in love yet.

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i think it's simply amazing when i see a man putting his soul into words. i'm well aware of women having strong and sophisticated thoughts, but when i come across a guy with the most beautiful writing and totally honest words scattered across his page, i find it inspiring. my breath is literally taken away for a moment. i once saw a man whose words spoke true poetry, and it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever witnessed. ive never met a man who took the time to sit and write a real, honest biography about himself in such depth. i love seeing things like that.

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Today i spent my whole lunch period sitting down talking with a friend. He's a great guy, and i really care about him. he opened up to me, and i listened to everything he told me. It was a good conversation, i've never really been serious with him before. I told him a friend of his, who was passing by, smelled good everytime he walked by me. So he proceeded to tell his friend i thought he smelled good and thought he was sexy. Did i die? Yes, i believe i did. It was a good lunch, i haven't had one like that in a while.

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Things have been really good for me lately. Although my headaches are still being left unsolved, I've been improving on my weightloss. I've lost an inch around my waist, improved my mile time by 1:07, and even lost five more pounds. My emotions have been pouring out of me, as my struggle for change has left me weak and emotional. I'm fighting so hard for this life that i want, and it's challenging every last strength in me. My hope contains itself when i start to see progress, but once it fades i begin losing what i so badly want. Life is a rollarcoaster, there's no preparing for what ride is on the way.

Labels: friends, Inspiration, pregnancy, relationships

They're underage and only sure of one thing...
Her blood pumps to be in the city. He lives for the countryside acres. They runaway to a field a mile from her favorite city avenue. They lay in the grass and talk about everything on their mind. He makes her laugh at his corny jokes, and she takes his breath away with her honest beauty. His fingers gently twirl around her long chocolate hair as he looks into her golden blue eyes; eyes so beautiful they could leave a blind man wanting more. She talks about dragons, paintings, and waterfalls - all her favorite things. He speaks of music, fire, and dirtbiking - his favorites. He sees her as the most beautiful thing in the world, and he would do anything for her. He loves that she's a vegetarian and has a huge heart. The way her toes curl up when she's cold or how she plays with her ears when she's nervous. She sees things that take her breath away with beauty that most people pass by everyday. Her favorite thing in the world is seeing a firefly light up at night. She lays in the field with him talking about their life together. She tells him she wants him to be the father of all her children. Without needing any explanation, they make the most passionate love ever known to man. They've made love before that but everytime is a step better from the last. They walk down to the city and get some smoothies and salads at a local sandwich shop. she smiles and he takes her hand. he leans across the table to give her a kiss on the lips. They're underage and only sure of one thing..... They're in love.

Labels: cute, happy, love, underage

Sometimes a breath of fresh air is all i need to relieve myself from suffocation. So much has been happening lately, I'm not even able to finish a sentence anymore. Hours pass at night and i long for my eyes to shut and my mind to quit running. My dreams can take control and my body can regain the energy it so desperately needs. But no such luck. My life is too busy, i can't get a moment of time to myself. I lay in bed for hours and think of my life, trying to clear some of the madness away so i can get a little sleep.

It's the end of the school year; literally one month left until summer vacation. There is honestly nothing i'm going to miss about this school year. I'm surrounded by idiotic teachers and fake friends. I've been ready for summer since about November. I'm ready for sunshine and peace. This summer i have enough plans to keep me plenty busy. I'll be getting my license and definetly be car shopping. (hoping for my big monster truck! haha) I'm also hoping to get involved in a gym membership so I'll FINALLY lose some mother truckin' weight. Once i get my car I'll be able to drive myself around and i can freely go anywhere. So i'm really thinking that's going to help me get out more and want to exercise. Fingers are crossed, 100%. I also have many plans with my family, those which will be kept secret because i don't want any stalkers headed my way, thank you very much.

Today i held back tears as i sat and listened to the vulnerable words pour out of a loved ones lips. I was helpless, and all i could do was sit there and nod my head. i just wanted to wrap my arms around that beautiful soul and tell her everything would be ok. I wanted to tell her that i could fix everything, and that she didn't have to cry anymore. But i'm not God. I can't make everything better. All i could do was listen and comfort her. Saying goodbye to someone is never easy. But seeing how bad it hurts her, absolutely kills me inside. I'd go to the end of the world to make things better. I find it especially hard to think about having to say goodbye to her. I can't imagine how she feels being in the situation she is in right now. I love her to death, literally. I'd do anything for that girl. I hope she'll be strong through this. God, i hope she'll be ok.

I've gotten rather lazy in the way i look lately. I've put a minimal amount of makeup on lately, and I've pinned up my hair everyday for a whole week. Although i can't complain, because my hair has never been softer. But i must say i'm not looking the best lately. I guess i just don't really care what my appearance is anymore. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing, but i'm getting ready in a shorter amount of time, so quite honestly I'm not caring at the moment. I'm not trying to impress anyone, and I'm not striving to feel beautiful when i know i never will, so what's the point?

I talked to my best friend on the phone the other night. God gracious, i miss that girl. She's still in Tennessee, and unfortunately she's not able to visit this summer because she has testing for school to work on. Everytime i speak with her, i feel like i need to turn my life around. She says the most amazing things, and makes me laugh so much. But she also makes me realize so much without saying a word. We discussed college, and it hit me that i've only got two years left until i'm ready to go to college. Reality is setting in faster then lotion on my very skin, it's obsorbing in my bones, and it's freaking me out. I need to start applying for scholarships starting next year, and i'd even like to try to get a job. I'll be having so much on my plate, i'm not even sure i'll be able to balance it. but i'm definetly going to try. My best friend and i talked about what we are going to do for college. Even though this doesn't sound totally down to earth and in reality, I think it would be amazing if we could apply to the same colleges and if we got accepted to one we both like, then we could attend it together and maybe get an apartment together. I kind of planned on attending UW because i didn't really think my grades were good enough for any other college, but i understand that it wouldn't hurt to apply to other colleges. i could actually get accepted into one i really like that i've never considered before. It's a lot to think about, but now that i've got my college situation figured out, i still need to figure out what the hell i want to do with my life! haha. i always think i've got it figured out but i never do. Life is crazy, and there's so many directions i could take, it's hard to choose just one.

It's a beautiful day out, and i'm ready to get off of here. So i'll post more later.
xoxoxoxoxo.

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