From ____ , with love.

The Beginning To An End.

2011-06-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

It's been far too long since i wrote last. I could make a long list of excuses as to what my reasons are, but the thing is - that's not important. The fact is, i need to start writing again, period.

My life has changed dramatically since i opened this page last, but again - i'm not going to rant on about what's happened because i could go on for years. What i'm going to do is start fresh. A new beginning sounds nice. I'll start from this very moment, right now as my legs are sticking to this uncomfortably hot chair, my hair is pinned up in a messy bun, i have absolutely no makeup on my face, and i have ugly brown spots on my legs from my tanning lotion not being rubbed in good enough. Yes, we'll start here.

I finished up my college classes yesterday, and i pray to God i didn't fail them. High school ends in one week and one day. I can't wait, i'm already through with this year. That same day, i'll be going to a concert in Seattle to see Kid Cudi. I've never been to a concert before, except Jonas Brothers and my friend's local band. But i don't think those necessarily count. I'm a little nervous though, because i fear being raped that late at night or being abandoned by the people i'm going with. Hopefully God is by my side that night.

I've discovered recently that I have self-esteem. I think i'm beautiful, no matter what anyone else says. My entire life i've been struggling with self-esteem issues, and i'm finally accepting myself now for who i am - and it's beautiful. I know i need to lose weight still though, because i have very high blood pressure that my doctor said will only get worse with time unless i lose weight. I am not about to have health problems. It's been more difficult then ever to lose weight though, because now i'm actually happy with myself so i have no serious desire to change. i just have to remember my health, and use that as motivation i guess.

I've been so seriously broke lately. I want to buy a cute outfit for the kid cudi concert, and i don't even have enough money to splurge on a $20 dress. It's getting frustrating, because i want to be able to go out and do things, and get new clothes and everything. but i can't. My parents don't buy me anything anymore, and i hate to ask them for money because i know they're struggling too. I've practically been sleeping on metal springs for the past couple months because my bed is so old it's not good anymore, and it's fucking up my back but my parents don't have the money to buy me a new mattress. So i basically buy everything myself, and it's hard because i don't have a job and i don't make enough money to ever have any cash in my wallet. I make $200 a month, and $100 of that goes to my car payment, and then i spend about $60 on gas a month, so that leaves me with about $40 a month to spend on whatever i want. That doesn't get me anywhere, because most of the time I'll have to buy my own lunch when i go out with friends, and then i'll get one piece of clothing and it's gone. I've been babysitting a little bit lately, which is nice because it puts a little bit extra cash in my pocket, but it's still frustrating. I would love to start saving and putting it in the bank, but i never have enough to be able to do that. I just wish i could get a job, but the economy is shit right now and it's practically impossible. BLAH.

I've been lonely lately. I've been so busy that i probably don't even have TIME for a boyfriend, but i really want one. I just want someone that i'd be able to go to for anything, and to spend my free time with. I want to spend my summer with someone that means something to me, because i don't have any true friends that i can be with for more then a few hours without wanting to rip my hair out. I haven't been close to anyone in a very very long time, and it's making me sad. I want someone i can lay in bed and just watch movies with, or even just someone that'll sit next to me when i read. Someone that'll walk through town with me and go in weird stores just because they know i like it. They'll respect the fact that i don't like PDA, and they won't try making out with me in public. I want a cute boy that i'm attracted to, but a boy that i'm able to be civil with a not want to rip his clothes off everytime i see him. Someone who shares similar interests with me, so we can be around eachother and not have any awkward moments. I am very awkward. I want a guy who'll not necessarily treat me like a princess, but just someone who'll treat me with respect. Someone my parents will actually like, for once. Someone that will go and do things with me, and not just sit at home and bore me to death. I want an adventurous soul, a boy who always has surprises up his sleeve. A guy who will go to art shows with me, and watch me try on clothes because he knows i love it. We could wrestle and he could teach me how to do manly things. I could cook for him, and he could try to be cute and feed me. We could cuddle under a blanket in the freezing winter air. We could cuddle under a blanket in the hot summer air. A guy who loves animals, and has a sensitive side. I don't want a total badass, that's not attractive to me. I don't really care what he carries "looks" wise, i just want to be attracted to him. I just want a boyfriend who'll understand that i'm a horrible girlfriend, but i will love him unconditionally no matter what and he'll do the same to me. :( I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I think it's time to stop ranting. What a horrible job i did for my first blog back. Oh well, i'll try harder next time.

New year; New goals.

2010-12-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

I've made a list of New Year's resolutions I'm determined to meet. Every year, i make the same resolution, and it fails. So this year, I'm making a few, and they're all new ones that I've never attempted to make. 2011, is going to be a good year. :)

1. Donate $100 to a charity. I've learned recently that it's important to give back and appreciate what you have. Even though $100 isn't that much, every bit counts; and I've never donated that much before. I'm always looking for ways to help out and be a better person, but one thing I've never been good at is giving away my money. This is going to be a good challenge for me.

2. Grow my hair out; about to the length of my hips. I've been trying to grow my hair for a while now, and I'm ready for long luscious beautiful locks:) I haven't had long hair since i was in 7th grade. I miss it. My goal is to not chop of my hair, no matter how annoying it gets.

3. Learn to like myself; at the least. I feel like this will be the most challenging resolution i ever make. I've never liked who i was; I've never thought i was pretty enough or nice enough. I've always wanted to be better. So I'm making it a goal to do specific things throughout the year that'll make me proud of who I am, and like the person I've become. Some of these things include:

4: Do the 365 day challenge. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a challenge in where you take a photo every single day of the year, in which you're somewhere in it. By the end of the year, you can see how much you've changed, what experiences you went through, and how fast the year really went by. I've attempted it once before, just for fun but got sick of it and didn't want to do it anymore. This year, I'm determined to do it. It'll let me see how much I've changed, and i feel like it'll be a good way to get to know myself better, through every angle possible.

5. Have a nude day once every week. Not saying like, nude as in no clothes. You're not going to see that, trust me. Nude meaning natural. One day a week, I'm not going to wear makeup or do anything to my hair. I'm going to just have natural beauty all day. This is going to be an extremely difficult challenge for me because I am very self concious about how i look without makeup on and such. This will be a good way to build some confidence and love myself for who i am. Plus, it's great for you face and hair to get a break every once in a while.

6. Start getting out more. Getting fresh air is always a good thing. I feel like if i get out more, I'll be able to feel better physically, and mentally. I won't be stuck in a house all day long. I'll exercise more and maybe even lose some weight.

7. Keep my room clean. A clean environment can lead to a better attitude. If i keep up on my room, I think I'll feel better about myself and not be so stressed about trying to do it "another time". Organization is key this year.

8. Finish reading the bible. This one is important. God is everything to me, and I haven't gotten the chance to read the entire bible yet. It's a MUST goal that i do this by the end of the year.

The love of the season.

2010-11-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

All i want for Christmas is Flowers, Flowers, Flowers.

Beauty in Beautyful.

2010-11-16T16:28:00.000-08:00

If only, if only.
All the plastic surgery in the world couldn't make me this beautiful.
Natural beauty at it's finest, I'll say.
I'm in love.

perfect is but an illusion.

2010-08-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Boarding the ship, i expected to get a break from home. Things have been bad for a while, and I've finally saved enough money to afford a ticket across the Pacific. I lost my father two years ago, but you would think it just happened yesterday. My mother cries all the time, and my siblings are lost without him; we all are. I couldn't take things any longer, and i needed a break.

Meeting Nate was the last thing on my mind. I didn't expect to socialize with anyone; i didn't even expect to leave my room. But on the third night of the cruise, i was already getting a knock on my door after curfew. Earlier that day I'd eaten lunch with Nate, and just met him for the first time the day before. He came up to me and told me he had been starring at me all day and decided he needed to talk to me. He hasn't left me alone since.

I ran to the door expecting it to be the maid asking if i needed towels or something, but when i opened the door to Nate's smiling face i was surprised. "Cute outfit." I suddenly turned red when i realized i was wearing a short pink pajama dress with ruffles on the bottom and purple beads embroidered on the v-neck breast piece. i had a sheer pink robe over it and wrapped it around myself. He laughed. "No, it's perfect for tonight."

i was confused, until i looked at his wardrobe. He was wearing a gray tshirt with a black clip on bow tie and plaid pajama pants. "What's going on?" I asked. He just smiled and took my hand.

We walked up to the ballroom, which was a room i hadn't been to yet. I couldn't believe what i'd been missing. It was a large room with a wooden floor and beautiful dimmed lights that shined on the dance floor. It was on the deck of the boat, and was guarded by huge glass windows. The sun was just starting to set so the whole room was orange. It was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen in my life. I looked around noticing that there was about ten to fifteen other couples already dancing, and they were all in their pajamas. "It's bedtime ballroom night. Everyone dances in what they sleep in." Nate smiled at me as he took me out on the dancefloor. "Well then explain the cheap bow tie. I know you don't wear that to bed, right?" I said as he laughed.

Everything was perfect. It was better then a dream. I never wanted to forget this moment. Nate's hands rested on my hips as my arms wrapped around his neck. We starred into each other's eyes forever. He was much taller then me, almost six inches to be exact. His hair was short, with a whitish tint mixed in the blond. He wore a black beanie almost all the time, but tonight was the first night he didn't wear one. He had white gauges in his ears, at about a size 0. He was skinny and muscular, just the perfect size for me. The light freckles that lay across his nose were beautiful reminders of my dad. He had freckles just like that. Nate resembled my dad is so many ways, which is why i think he caught my attention so easily.

As we stood on the dance floor, and Nate swayed me back and forth, i was thinking about how things couldn't get any better. Just as these thoughts entered my mind, everything went black. It wasn't from the sun setting, because it was still orange throughout the sky. It was from a large ship that was passing by. Everything happened so fast. The sky turned dark, followed by hundreds of gunshots being fired and the sound of glass exploding.

Everyone fell to the ground, trying to shield themselves from the flying bullets. Nate layed his body on top of me, covering every inch of me and protecting me from anything that came our way. I wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled his body in tighter, and my other hand placed itself on his neck. i buried my face in the other side of his neck, as he kept his head down.

I'd never been so scared in my life. The sound was so loud, every shot sent an echo through the whole room. I wondered if anyone else on the boat could hear. I was sure they could. I let a moan surge through Nate's ear as i felt a sharp pain hit my arm. It felt like a thousand needles had just stabbed me. He asked me what was wrong, and i could hear the fear in his voice. My lips brushed against his neck, as i whispered "I've been shot." His entire body got tense as he began frantically running his hands all over me trying to find my wound, while still trying to cover me. "Where, where?" He asked. I weeped a little and said "Keep your head down."

The shooting felt like it lasted forever, but it was only a few moments longer, until the passing ship's bullets could no longer reach our deck. Everyone lay still on the floor, unsure of their safety to move. The emergency alarms sounded and a man's voice came overhead. "Attention: We have just been attacked. We have no lead on who was on the passing ship or why they decided to shoot. For your safety we ask that all passengers on the cruise stay inside their rooms until further notice. A medic is on it's way to any injured passengers."

People began getting up and running. No one died, only one man was seriously injured. A helicopter flew out and picked him up from a local island and took him to the nearest hospital. Nate immediately looked at my arm, because by this time my blood was dripping all over his neck. I looked down to see the bullet sitting in my arm two inches above my wrist. "Oh god, Jodie. Are you okay? We gotta get that medic over here." I sat still and didn't say a word. Nate left and returned shortly with an older woman in a nurse outfit.

"Let's see what we're dealing with." She said, looking at my arm. "Oh, that's not too serious. The bullet isn't near any bones or muscles, so we can just pull it out like a sliver and bandage it up." and that's exactly what she did.

After we got cleaned up and my arm got bandaged, i asked Nate if i could stay the night with him in his room. I was still scared and he was really worried about me. His eyes lit up and he couldn't agree faster. We walked hand-in-hand together to his room. As soon as i got inside i went straight to his bed and layed down. I was exhausted and all i wanted to do was sleep. Nate took off his blood stained t shirt, revealing his muscle toned stomach. I couldn't help but stare. He was perfect. Everything about him was what i wanted in a guy. I'd known him for such a small amount of time, and yet my feelings for him were growing so fast. Every time i looked at him knots twisted in my stomach.

He lay down next to me, so we both faced each other. "I'm really sorry." he said. "For what?" i asked. He looked right into my eyes. "I wanted tonight to be perfect-" He trailed off. "You couldn't have prevented what happened tonight, Nate! None of this was your fault." He pulled my waist against his, so our belly buttons were touching. "You saved my life." I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was thankful and scared. "How?" I asked. "Your hand was on my neck, remember? If it wouldn't have been there, i probably would've died." I couldn't hold back the tears that started falling down my cheeks. "My dad was killed two years ago. He was shot in the head when he was at war and died instantly. It was the hardest thing i ever went through in my life. He was so important to me. That's the reason i went on this cruise; because i had to get away from my house for a while. I couldn't have lived through you getting killed, too. It would've been too much. I care about you so much-" I started crying to the point where my voice wouldn't stop cracking.

Nate pulled my body even tighter against his. "I'm so sorry about your loss Jodie. You saved my life tonight, and i'm so thankful. I'm not going anywhere." I looked into his eyes and he gently wiped the tears away from my eyes. "You're the girl of my dreams, and i'm so glad you're here with me tonight." Then, without another word, he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft and warm - just another perfect quality about him. He was an amazing kisser, and being in his arms that night made me feel like nothing could harm me. I was safe, i was happy. There, on that bed even after getting shot and opening up about my father, Nate and I shared our first kiss. And, that night was perfect.

Freedom.

2010-08-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

Picture in your mind an abandoned school. It contains a large gymnasium, over a hundred empty classrooms, and a twenty foot bard wire fence to keep everyone inside. I was kidnapped and taken here, along with my boyfriend, Nate. I don't remember much about how it happened, they drugged me with something.

I woke up in a dark room. The aroma of dead flesh and vomit poured into my system, as i gagged for fresh air. I couldn't see a thing, and all i could remember hearing was quiet breathing. "hello?" i whispered. Nothing. "Is anyone there?" Complete silence.

I began feeling my way around, brushing my hands on the cold concrete floor as i crawled around trying to reach a wall or the person somewhere near me. I bumped into what felt like a leg, and i began moving my hands up the body. as i reached what i knew was a set of rib cages, i began to panic. I was touching a human skeleton. I tried all i could do to scream but only small whimpers came out. i got up on my feet an started to run, hoping i would hit a wall and find a door, because this room seemed endless.

I got a couple strides before tripping and falling over something. I heard a grunt as i hit the floor. i was still whimpering and having trouble breathing. "Jodie?"
I stopped. I knew that voice. I got on my knees and felt my way back to the person i'd tripped over. When i reached them i instantly started crying. "Jodie, are you ok? What's going on, where are we?"

It was Nate.
"Nate, I'm so glad I found you. We have to get out of here! I just touched a corpse!" I felt his body tense up and he said lets go. We both got up and felt our way around. It felt like hours later, but we'd found it. We reached a door, and got the hell out of that room. We took each other's hand and ran down the hall trying to find an exit. Neither of us could remember what happened or how we got there.

The hallway was just as dark as the room was, but it was a straight path so we didn't have to feel our way around. The windows were boarded up and it was cold. The only sound was our panting and footsteps. We saw a light in the distance and headed for that. I was praying it was a way out of there. I wanted to go home. I wanted to lay in bed with Nate and stare at his beautiful face for hours. I couldn't see his face right now. I wondered if he was ok. I could feel dried blood and a large knot on my jaw, so i figured i must've been punched when i was out. But Nate, God i hoped he was alright.

As we reached the light we noticed it was another room. It was a large gym with cracked backboards and missing basketball nets. There was almost thirty other girls in there, who were standing around with tears in their eyes and scars on their bodies. There were men surrounding them, dressed in camouflage outfits and armed in weapons. "what the hell is this?" whispered Nate as we looked through a small glass window.

One by one girls would be taken into one of the abandoned classrooms and they would come back with ripped clothes and bloody faces. We noticed another door to our left and figured that it might be a way out. Nate slowly opened the door and we looked inside. There was enough light that we could see inside and it looked empty. We started to go inside when we heard a pop, followed by a cry from Nate. He fell to the floor. "You think you bastards can get away from us? Think again!" Two of the camouflage men dragged Nate and i into the gym. I looked down at Nate while he held his leg. His hands were full of blood and he had sweat beads dripping down his face. He lay in the fetal position and rocked back and forth. "Oh my god. He's been shot." i thought to myself. Panic came over me as one of the camo men grabbed me by the neck and said "Listen here, bitch. Your boyfriend is gonna die. No use in taking care of him. Just do as we day an you won't be on that floor with him." The men all left in another room and i fell to the ground next to Nate. "Babe! Oh, god. Are you ok? You're losing a lot of blood!"

Nate was crying. I'd never seen him cry before. He'd seen me cry many times, but this was all wrong. "i'll be alright, I'll be alright. i don't think i can walk on it though." I was so scared; more scared about him then myself. A stranger just told me he was going to kill the love of my life. How am i supposed to react to that?

I ripped the sleeve off my jacket and wrapped it tightly around the wound on Nate's leg. I put his arm over my shoulder and lifted him to his feet.

Nate was tall and slender. He didn't weight a pound over 140, on his fat days. He stood six inches taller then me at 5'9. He had blond-white hair that he usually covered with a black beanie. Looking at him now, his hair was dirty and stained with dried blood. He had a two inch long scratch under his eye that was deep and looked infected.

I helped him over to the wall and set him against it. "i'm going to go talk to these girls and see if i can get any information from them." I walked over to the crowd of scared looking girls. I went up to a blond one with dark makeup smeared around her eyes. She was really pretty, and i bet she had potential to model when she wasn't in this environment.

"What's going on?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Why are we here? What do they want from us?"
She looked around making sure none of the camo men were around.
"We've been kidnapped. These men are involved in human trafficking. They want our labor and our bodies. Some girls are pulled in back rooms to have sex with them; others are forced to work until they pass out cold. Once they're done with you, they kill you and you're put in one of those empty classrooms."
"How did we get here?" I lowered my voice.
"They gave everyone really strong sleeping pills. I used to be addicted to sleeping pills though, so it didn't knock me out. It just relaxed me. I saw everything they did to us on the truck over here. They took our stuff, beat us, and even raped a couple people right away."
I felt like i was going to puke.
"Did you see what they did to me and my boyfriend?"
She looked at Nate and said they had sliced his face with a dirty piece of glass. "You must be one of the ones they're saving for last. The young camo guy punched you in the jaw really hard and said something like 'Save her for me'".
I thanked her for the information and went back to Nate. After telling him everything i'd heard, he kissed me. "I love you."

The men walked in with bags of bread and water cups. "Here's your dinner, bitches!" Everyone got a loaf of bread and cup of water three times a day, for our meals. The first meal i scarfed down my bread and guzzled my water. But the next morning and the meals to come, i always gave my food to Nate. He argued at first, but i wouldn't budge. Looking at him, i could just see how weak and skinny he was getting. He was already small, but with the blood he'd lost and the lack of food, i knew he wouldn't survive long unless he got more strength.

I don't know how long we'd been there. About three girls had disappeared and slowly you could see everyone getting sick. They were bringing the blond girl i'd talked to in the backroom almost three times a day, which meant she'd soon disappear too. I cried myself to sleep every night, but i never slept soundly. I woke up with every little noise and constantly checked to make sure Nate was ok.

It felt like we'd been there years. One morning the young camo guy that had punched me woke us all up. "Hey bitches. We have a game for you to play today. It's called elimination. We're getting new girls in here tomorrow and we need to get rid of a ton of you tonight. So get up, let's play."
The object of the game was this.
It was just like dodge ball, but they used a ball with spikes as sharp as knives. The camo men could hit you as many times as they wanted, but you couldn't hit them. The winner was always the camo men. The game was over when you gave mercy or died.

The young camo man walked up to me before the game started and punched me in the stomach, causing me to fall over. The beatings had gotten more frequent, which meant i'd start getting pulled into the backroom.
He pulled me back up by my hair and put his face against mine. "Watch your boyfriend, he's going first."
The game was the most brutal things i've ever witnessed in my life. The ball left blood dripping on the floor and screams were heard when it was thrown. Young camo ONLY threw at Nate. He never missed either. Nate got hit in the back of the leg, on the arms, once on his stomach, and the worst was on his back. The second it hit him, he fell to the ground screaming. I ran over to him. "He hit my spine! It hit my bone. i can't move, i can't move!" I honestly can't describe how i felt at that moment. I was scared, protective, angry, and hurt. I wanted revenge. I wanted young camo to suffer the way he's made Nate and i suffer. I layed on top of Nate, shielding every part of his body that i could. Every few minutes i felt the sharp pain of the ball slam into a part of my body. Every time i'd let out a moan and Nate would try to whisper comforting words to me. He wanted so bad to protect me. He felt like he should be getting those beatings instead of me, but we both knew he was too weak to handle anything more. He was dying, and i knew i needed to get him out of there. After about ten hits to my back, i hear camo scream "Get up, Bitch!" I turned my head to look. He had set the ball down and gestured that i go into the backroom with him.

I slowly got up, still making sure i blocked Nate from camo. "I'm not going to touch your boyfriend, bitch. Just come with me." I looked down at Nate who lay helpless on the floor. I looked back up at camo, as i noticed no other camo men were in the room. then i got an idea.
"Please, i'll do whatever you want. Just please help him. He's hurt, and i just want to lean him up against a wall. I can't lift him by myself, so can you please do it?"
Camo looked at me funny. "Do i look like i care?"
"Please! That's all i'm asking!"
He gave an annoyed sigh and came over to Nate. Nate flinched as camo touched him, but he was so out of it that he didn't really even know what was going on. I looked at camo's belt and saw his gun hanging there, loaded. He carried Nate across the gym to the empty wall and on his way over i very slickly took his gun. When he set Nate down and turned around, he was surprised to see a gun pointing at his face. "Oh, you f***er!" he yelled.
"Go to hell!" i yelled back and shot him between the eyes.

I quickly picked up Nate and said "Come on baby, we're getting out of here." I kept the gun loaded in my hand because i figured there'd be other camos outside. Nate couldn't walk, so i pretty much dragged him out of there. All the camos were inside so i only had to shoot one on my way out. We opened the gate and i dragged him as fast as i could out of there. Slurring he asked, "what are you doing?" I smiled and replied, "Taking you home. I love you so much." He smiled, lifted his head to look where we were going, then before dropping it he said "Freedom."

Rambles and Rumbles.

2010-07-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while; i realize this. My summer vacation has been rather uneventful since my California trip. I didn't want to just ramble on about nothing, but i guess that's what i'm going to do anyways. This post is more of an update, just so you know what's been going on with me recently.

I almost bought a car. It was a 1995 isuzu trooper; looked almost brand new. No stains, dents, or problems that i was aware of. It was in my price range too, which is pretty unusual i've found. The owner had put a lot of work into that car, and he was a very nice guy. I was literally a day away from meeting him again to exchange money for the car when my father switched his mind up on me and told me i couldn't get it. He had called a mechanic and they told him that isuzu troopers "nickel and dime people to death". So the plug was pulled. I have approximately eight days until i'm eligable to get my license, and i still don't have a car. I've been searching like crazy, on the internet, all over the roads. I'm getting to the point of desperation, which isn't good. I have a month left until school starts, which isn't a lot of time. i was hoping to at least have a car by the time i get my license, but now my biggest worry is having something to drive by the time school starts. i will not ride the bus again. So that's been a pretty big stress factor for me at the moment.

Along with waiting for a car, i've been trying to save every dime i own (which if you knew me, saving money is the biggest challenge i could possibly face). i won't be getting paid this month, because i owe my sister the amount of money that's on my pay check for borrowing it to buy my new camera last month. So i'll have to go a month without any cash. I never know when something may come up that i need some money for, and if i do find a car i'm going to need gas money. So i haven't gone shopping in a couple of weeks. My aunt wants to take me to the mall next week to shopping too, and it's going to be hard because we're going to a mall with a store that i can't resist going into. So i either have to leave my money at home, or use the only will-power i know i have to not buy anything.

Well, i'm finally starting to get a tan. After getting burnt four different times, people are starting to notice the color change. I still haven't decided what kind of hairstyle i'm going to posess this year, but at least i'll be tan for my school picture.

Yesterday i spent the day sweating off every ounce of body heat i had. I emptied my dresser drawers and made room for the new school clothes i'll be getting in the next month or so. I have tons of shirts that still look decent on me, but i'd like to get a better fashion "rep" this year, because i obviously am not known for having the best style. I only have a couple pairs of jeans, and that's always the hardest thing i have to find when it comes to shopping. my hips are wide, but my butt is small, so it's hard to find a jean that fits just right. My drawers look clean and organized though, which is a good thing. i just need to work on my closet on a day that's not so hot, because trying on tons of jackets and sweatshirts will have me sweating so bad i'll probably pass out.

I've become a huge bookworm lately. I'm on my fourth book so far this summer, and i just enjoy getting lost in books. I'm still having problems with my headaches, which cause me not to be able to read some nights because i feel miserable, but i think most of it is because i'm not getting exercise or fresh air like i should be this summer. my whole "car situation" isn't going as planned, and i'm still stranded at home. The only time i get out of my house is on monday, wednesday, and thursday nights because i work and my mom and i have started taking water aerobics classes at a local gym. i just almost feel like getting a vehicle will cause me to get out so much more and make me feel so much better. I'll start using the gym more, i'll take more walks, i'll go everywhere. i won't sit home day after day like i do now.

i haven't seen my best friend since school got out. She went to Italy for a couple weeks and i haven't talked to her for a while. She just recently got back and we talked on facebook a little bit. i miss her so much. She's the only person i truely truely miss from school. i really can't wait to see her again. She's so beautiful, and i've realized lately how much she means to me. I lost her once when we seperated for Jr. High school, and we didn't talk at all. Maybe a myspace comment was sent once every two or three months. That went along for three years. Then we reconnected this year in high school, and it's been a beautiful experience. I can't imagine my life without her, and i wouldn't want to lose her again. She means more to me then anyone i've ever met. i sure hope i can see her soon, because i can't wait to hear her cute little laugh, or see her beautiful smile.

Speaking of losing best friends...
David leaves in about 30 days.
I feel terrible. I've been so mean to him lately. I've told him he was annoying, and wouldn't let him come over to the house. My sister has had him over here almost every single day. And he acts like her in a way. You know, the immature part. And i honestly don't handle immaturity very well. i can baredly stand being around Darcie sometimes. So having David over everyday, i just needed a break. But realizing how horrible i was treating him, i feel like a complete ass. I don't want him to remember me as "Darcie's rude little sister". He's my brother. My friend. And the truth is, i really am going to miss him when he leaves. I'll ball my eyes out. I really will. When he's not here, i almost feel like a piece of the family is missing. I look around like "Who are we missing?" and i realize "oh yeah, David." I've gotten so used to his company. He makes me laugh harder then anyone else i know. We have more memories then i have with most people. It's just going to be heartbreaking to see him leave. i don't know, it's just hard to think about. i've never met anyone like him.

Beauty.

2010-07-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

This woman inspires me. Just saying.

Home Sweet Home.

2010-07-02T01:21:00.000-07:00

i spent this past week on a family vacation. if you knew my family, you'd know that when the four of us get together for even five minutes, an argument is sure to blossom. sure enough, this vacation was no different. My sister and i don't even get along anymore, period. she's just continually doing things to piss me off on a daily basis, so i really don't respect her anymore. i know it kills my parents to see us continually choke eachother with hurtful words, but things aren't changing; i'm not sure they can right now.

Anyways, so i was pissed off the whole drive down there. But the second i felt the california air and saw the city buildings i could physically freakin' feel all my anger and frustration melt off my body. i didn't care that i had oreo milkshake dripping down my ankle (my sister accidentally kicked the cup over and it exploded on my leg) i didn't even care.

California absorbs me into some weird mood where i'm continually smiling like an idiot and repeating over and over "i'm so happy; i'm finally home".

I've known since i was just a small kid that California was where i was meant to live. it seemed that's where all the excitement was. something about the place just turns me crazy. (whether that's a good things or a bad thing i don't know. but it feels like a damn good thing). Of course, i still got irritated on the trip. My sensitivity scale was high, and i couldn't control it even if i tried. One night, i was woken up at 3 in the morning. I can sleep through music, but that's about the only noise i can handle. Being so used to sleeping in my room with my door shut in total silence, any unusual sounds left me sleepless.

Now my dad; good god that man snores louder then a freakin' chainsaw. I layed awake, tired and annoyed just wishing so badly i had a fat sleeping pill i could take so i could drowned out the sound. But i didn't have one.

I sat awake over an hour.

I blasted my ipod.

I covered my pillows over my ears.

Nothing worked.

I cried for the entire hour.

Finally i figured i'd just go take a walk to get away from the sound, at the least. People tell me i'm crazy, simply because i've never been afraid to walk alone in the middle of the night. I'm well aware of the creeps who prowl around at night, but i can stick up for myself. it doesn't scare me, it never has. As i decided to take a walk, i realized i didn't possess a key to our hotel room, so i had no way of getting back in.

"How in the hell am i supposed to get away from the snoring?!?! I need to get some sleep!"

Then it dawned on me. Our hotel contained a large bathroom, with a small window vent that let in the traffic's voice. It was sound proof so you couldn't hear anything; not even the obnoxious snoring. i crept into the bathroom, layed down a towel, and layed comfortably on the hard tiled floor. Being the natural city-girl that i am, the sound of traffic was my lullaby; and i slept like a baby until the next morning.

Going to California was definetly an experience for me. Once i finish school, i'd like to travel down Cali to see which city i like best, and eventually move there. What can i say? Washington isn't my cup-of-tea. I'm a true Californian.

Leaving the place, i definetly feel like i left a part of me there. A part i hope to return to soon. i don't think anyone will ever understand the happiness i feel when i'm in California. Even if i tried to explain it to you, i don't think you'd understand. So i don't intend to waste my breath.

Dear User

2010-06-15T15:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Drug User,

Baby, You're ruining your life. Do you not understand that? It started with just a casual smoke of pot a day, then it turned into a week. Now i find out you're selling the stuff daily -- on school grounds as well. What's worse then that, is that you've let yourself fall so far into the cracks, i found out today you've been living in a tent for a few weeks and you don't shower anymore. You're homeless at sixteen and all that matters is getting that dope. What has your life become? You've given up. You've let a single drug ruin everything you had going for you.

You had a girlfriend that looked like a barbie; she's simply beautiful. You had drop dead gorgeous looks. Your grades were decent (at least you attended school). You were talented at any sport you played. You had amazing friends who cared about you. You had a life. But guess what? You let that all slip through your fingertips. You gave up on yourself, and now other people are starting to give up on you. What's going to happen in ten, fifteen years?

You're going to end up worse then you are now, or you might not even be alive. You're taking advantage of life. You're making it a huge joke, and it's coming back around to screw you over. You were a good person; a great guy in general. You treated people with respect, you made everyone around you laugh. You were an all around sweetheart. I remember just a couple months ago, when you used to come up to me and make weird dinosaur sounds because you knew it made me smile. Just two months; that's all it took for me to watch you fall. You lost your humor; your gentle touch. The only time you came around was when you needed money, or wanted to ask me if i'd smoke a hit with you. You'd do anything to get high. I could see it in your soul that you weren't the same person. You would lie right to my face and tell me you were okay. You'd transformed into an addict.

Do i feel sorry for you? Undoubtedly. I wish more then anything i could cradle you in my arms like a small infant and fix your problems; but i can't. You're facing the real world, but a world that is harder then most people's. You're living the life of an addict. You live for, die for, breathe for drugs. Nothing else matters to you. So when you're sitting in your tent waiting for your dealer to come, think about one thing. Look at what your life has turned out to be. Does it honestly make you happy? If you can say yes, then i don't want to see texts from you anymore saying you're going to get beat up if you don't pay people, and telling me you miss your old life. If you answer no, then fix it. Get help, it may not be easy but you're strong. I think you'd be able to pull yourself out of this hole you've created.

i care about you, and i know for a fact i'm not the only person that's hurting inside to see you like this. Babe, please stop this long road of addiction. You can do it if you stop soon. I don't want to see your picture in the paper claiming you've ODed on something, or gotten killed from gang members. I want to know you've gone on to success and happiness with a big family and lots of children. You'd make a great dad sober. You'd make a great husband sober.

I love you, please help yourself.
From ____, with love.

Goodbyes

2010-06-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Goodbyes,
Whether i greet you for a day, a week, a year, or forever. The taste of your sound on my tongue makes me feel like physically getting sick. My emotions spin inside my head and i feel like my heart is being dragged on a string by a small child who assumes it's their priceless teddy bear.

We are not guarenteed a tomorrow. No one expects the outcomes that sometimes occur. when i say goodbye, i assume it's forever. I make no plans in advance; i give no promises. because i've gotten broken worse then the most fragile porcelin doll in my past. I've given out my heart and soul, to find a heartless goodbye thrown my way. Friendships, relationships, and sometimes even family is broken from a fragile word like you. Your meaning is stronger then the moon's force, but its interpretation is weak.

The empty feeling after saying goodbye is the worst. Words can't even describe. I feel lost, sometimes even powerless. I wish sometimes i had the strength to just walk out and never come back again without shedding a single tear, but i don't. Once i meet somebody, they're forever embedded in my mind. Their face lingers around until i'm driven mad. Maybe that just means i care. Maybe it makes me seem weak. Either way, goodbye -- i do not like hearing your name ring in my ears. It's the worst sound i've ever heard, and unfortunately i've been hearing alot of you lately.

Please, goodbye. Go away and never come back. I don't even want to have to speak of you again.
From ____, with love.

The strength inside the weak.

2010-06-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Death,

You frighten every part of me. Each bone in my body feeds into jellow, my skin loses color and my voice disappears when you come close. You have power no one in the world can control. You have the ability to end a human life in just a single moment. You need no warning, no reassurance. You just take a life --- like that. People's dreams; their hope. It all dies with the news of their family/friend passing on.

How could you be so cruel? Somtimes you're taking away the only person someone may have in their life. You give them one last breath, then snatch their soul away without letting them say goodbye. Do you take other people's souls because you don't have one of your own?

Surely you realize there is one thing more powerful then you. That thing is love. You may take away dreams, and life. But you can't take away the love shared between specific individuals. That's one thing that lives on forever.

I've lost many friends, as well as family members to you. You've left me crying for days only to choke on my tears. My heart has taken multiple bullets from you, but you still see me chugging along. Love keeps me away from you; love keeps me alive. I'm starting to gain a strength inside me that i've never had. I try not to let myself get hurt by you. Goodbyes are slowly getting easier to say, and realization that someday i'll soon see my good friends again makes things easier. Your strength may frighten others, but i'm done letting it frighten me. Death is sad, and can be draining both physically and emotionally. As i continue to get older, there is more people i know dying. It leaves a giant knot inside my stomach to think someday everyone i know right now will eventually be dead, including myself. I find myself constantly wondering what happens after death. Is everything over? Do we get another chance at life?

i always imagined heaven like being a military. God assigns you with a life he thinks you can handle, and you'd be sent out to try everything new. Suicides were caused by a lack of strength, and god wouldn't punish you for that. He'd simply claim his judgement was off. I guess everyone's vision of heaven is different. Some don't even believe in it.

A recent death just occured that sent my curiousity through the roof, and my stomach through my throat. A very beautiful, intelligent 18 year old boy died of a drug addiction. My heart goes out to his family and to him. They're all beautiful people. This is not an unusual accurance, but the fact that he is so young, and seemed like such a good kid simply makes my insides turn. How could you take such a soul like his with you? It's too great to be in your hands. He deserves to still be alive. He made a mistake, but he isn't a bad person. Love is still keeping his spirit alive, as it always will.

I don't want to die.

I know everyone does someday, but i feel like my time is coming too fast. i enjoy life too much to be in your hands anytime soon. Everyday is a new dream, a new adventure. And my adventures aren't over. So don't think you're coming near me anytime soon.
From ____, with love.

Hidden Goodbyes

2010-06-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Hidden Goodbyes,
Today might have been the last day i ever see you in my lifetime. I'd like to hope that's not true, but life has no guarentees. It's been hard to smile today, knowing your beautiful face won't pass by me everyday anymore. This day has been nothing but a crack to my heart, and i honestly don't want to think about you boarding that plane and taking off.

I'm so sorry. You deserved a better goodbye, but i couldn't even look at you. I couldn't look at you because i was afraid you'd see me cry. Just looking into your soft blue eyes would have broken me. So i sat there, and told you i loved you while i looked in the other direction. I didn't say much else, because my voice was already cracking and i knew i was moments away from losing myself in your shirt. i tried so hard to be strong, but it was painful. I should've just showed you how i felt, but i didn't want to make you cry too. I wanted you to leave without having to worry about how i felt. But i honestly don't think you ever knew how i felt about you.

I meant it every single time i told you i loved you. The way you made me feel inside was indescribable. You've been a good friend of mine for a while now. You always knew how to make me laugh and i always felt like i could act myself around you. We had inside jokes, and secrets shared between us. We had plans made together that were unfulfilled, that someday i hope we can do together. I want to sleepover with you, and be crazy. You are one person that has kept my heart pinned to your soul and never once threatened that. I can't recall once ever fighting with you. We had a good thing between us, and it hurts so bad to know you're so far away now.

i miss your laugh. i miss talking to you about all the crazy sexual things we do, and our relationships. I miss wrapping my arm around your curly hair when i hug you. i miss your hugs. Tears fall down my cheeks as i type this, because i think back to all the good times we had together. You put up with my annoying behavior and just told me i was being weird whenever i was actually being way out of line. You're a good person, inside and out. You may make mistakes, which is why you're leaving, but i don't believe you're a bad person at all. if i had it my way, i'd have you come live with me. I'd sleep on my floor and let you have my bed. That's how much i fucking care about you.

Maybe you never realized it, but i was in love with you.
From _______, with love.

Personal Note: I decided to make a change in the way i write my blogs. For the most part, my blogs will format the style that i am writing a letter to somebody. For instance, today i wrote a letter to a really good friend that just moved away. I decided to make my blogs reflect my "From____, With love" title. I believe it has a lot of meaning behind it, because it's like getting an anonymous letter from some one. So my blog is named after it, and i thought it was only appropriate that i write From ____, with love after every blog as well.

Visions of your future.

2010-05-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

I hear the cries of an unhappy individual who's lived an extremely hard life. She's lived through abuse, fear, and even death of her own child. So what do you do when you know someone you care about isn't happy with their life anymore and you're powerless to change that? It seems like happiness is something everyone strives for these days with society the way it is, and reaching the feeling of happiness is almost impossible. I wish for a lot of things, i mean i guess everyone does. But when my wishes involve a change in the lifestyle of other people around me, it seems like my dreams are far off in the distance, and i'm unable to grasp onto them.

My future is starting to become a large foggy cloud and everytime i try to think even five minutes ahead, i feel like my life is being changed dramatically. I don't feel like my dreams are on an unrealistic level, but somehow i keep lowering the standards for myself. My father told me the other day that he thinks i should become a writer. For him to tell me that i have enough potential to be capable of doing something i've always dreamed of, makes me wonder if all along i really have been too hard on myself. If you knew my dad, you'd understand why i feel the way i do. Since i was just a child, he's always had low standards for me. He's never believed in me and he always feared i'd make bad choices and screw up my life just like some of my relatives have. For him to tell me have talent and should follow my dreams really hits a spot in my heart. It makes me feel like maybe i'm being too hard on myself, and i am capable of more then i think. All i've ever wanted to do in my life is make my parents proud of me. If i can make something of myself and give back even half of what they've given me, i'd be happy.

So this whole thing got me thinking....
Am i a writer? Was i born to write? I came across a fellow blogger the other days who said her definition of a writer was someone who dropped everything they were doing when they got an idea and wrote it down before they had time to forget. I find myself guilty in that action quite often. I've actually gotten ideas while i've been sleeping and woken up out of my sleep to write them down. So does that make me a writer? No, but my passion for the colors in every word and the poetry writing can bring out that speaking can't makes me a writer. I can get my thoughts out through writing much easier then i can speak it through the finest tone of my lips. The stutter you hear in my daily sentences doesn't come out when i'm writing. I feel fearless and proud when i write; it makes everything in my life understandable; it clears everything up. To me, writing is my mind touching in on something i can't speak up on.

I got asked the other day what i look for in a significant other, specifically a guy. I honestly couldn't answer any specific traits about any given individual that i love. Everyone that i've ever dated look and act so much different from eachother. It makes me realize that i don't have a specific "type" of person that i fall for. So what makes me attracted to someone? You know just as much as i do. When it comes to dating, i feel like a kid in a toy store shopping for a new bike. You don't know anything about the bikes, you just point your finger at one and say "i want that one". That's kind of of how i pick my men (and women). I see something i like, and i want it. If i don't get it, i don't throw a fit i just move on to something else... I guess what really attracts me is just someone i can feel comfortable enough talking with. It's difficult for me to keep a conversation going with someone without making anything feel awkward after about two sentences. Which is exactly why i refer to writing to get my emotions out, because i'm not talented with my words. I stutter and hate feeling embarassed, so i keep conversations small. If i'm able to find someone who i'm able to really open up with, that's really special in my book. i guess just an individual who i'm able to get along with, who wouldn't get bored of me and who shares similar interests with me is all i'm looking for. I never really get jealous or carry drama on my shoulders, so some find me boring. That's alright with me though, i'd rather find someone who would never fight with me to be with rather then someone who pounces on drama. So, if you ever ask me what i look for in a potential relationship, here's my answer. Keep a conversation going, and be honest with me. That's all i ask of. The rest is history, as they say...

As i'm writing this beautiful blog here, i'm listening to Andrew Garcia's "Little Piece Of Home". For those of you unfamiliar with his handsome face, Andrew was on this season's American Idol. He's my inspiration, and i honestly can't get enough of his voice. Its got a tone that just absorbs my soul and makes me calmer then the summertime breeze. Speaking of summertime, i literally have about 20 lays left until vacation. I layed in my bed lastnight and there was still light shining through my window at 10pm. How am i supposed to sleep when i know there's still life meant to be outside? Summer is creeping around slower then i ever expected. I can't wait any longer to get my car, and finally start my life again. The only downside of summer coming is that David is moving. The guy i've become closest to these past couple months, my brother that i care about dearly. He'll be moving across the states, and i'll honestly be heartbroken when he leaves. As much as i'd like to say we're going to stay in contact and remain close, i just don't see it happening. I'll definetly pray for the best, but going to college is a big thing. You make life changes and don't necessarily hang onto your past. How do you just deal with losing a big brother? He may not be blood but this guy has become my family, and saying bye to him will be one of the hardest things i'll have to do. My sister is even closer to him then i am; i couldn't imagine how hard this will be for her. It's already tearing me apart just thinking about it.

The ending to this blog wasn't really written, so it's this sentence i guess.
I'm thinking about changing the way i write my blogs, no? We'll see next blog i post.
xoxo.

Hope is for the Hopeless.

2010-05-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Inspiration has been lingering around the air lately, and emotions have been filling inside my heart. My pen had no better say then to find it's way onto my notebook and decided a blog must be written. I've been chipping my firetruck red nailpolish, biting my lip, and stuttering an exessive amount lately. I know i have a lot going on, but things tell me there must be something serious that's digging at my organs. To be honest, i can't pinpoint what exactly it is though.

-

I just recently found out that two girls i attended elementry school with are pregnant at sixteen. It's a weird situation to look at someone that i've known my whole childhood and think that now they're having a child of their own. As a personal opinion, i've seen how tricky teenage motherhood is. It brings a lot of struggles and even for couples who think they're going to be together forever; a child changes everything. I hope these girls the best, i know i could never do it. It'd destroy everything i've ever worked for. A child could not be an option for me at this age.

-

When someone is cheated on, they get a feeling of vulnerability and wonder why they weren't good enough. Their self esteem gets shot to its grave, and it makes a person feel worthless. I've been cheated on; it seriously does kill any confidence you have for yourself. I never understood the point of cheating. I saw it as, if you're not happy with the person you're in a relationship with, then don't be in a relationship with them. Plain and simple. Being unfaithful and slutty is just unnecessary.

Infidelity is disgusting. But to be honest, lying about your past and/or feelings towards someone grosses me out even more. When i find out i've been lied to in a relationship, i feel like i've been dating a stranger. It's like kissing a disease stained pig, and i honestly just want to wash my face in acid, because soap will not do the job. I just don't understand why honesty is so hard to come by these days. Not just in relationships, but in friendships too. I'm making my own happniess my first priority these days. I have a couple really important people in my life, but other then that it's just about me now, building myself as a person and getting to where i need to be.

While I'm on the topic of relationships, i realized something recently that kind of got me thinking. I don't really think i've ever fallen in love with a person yet. I believed i had at the time, but looking back on it, i think i fell in love with the fact of being in a relationship. I haven't been around someone long enough to actually be able to fall in love with them. The idea of someone caring about me, and being able to kiss them whenever i want is something i love. It always takes me a long time to get over breakups but i realize it's not because i miss the person who hurt me. I just miss having someone to act special around. I never have fallen in love yet. There's been many times i thought i have, especially in these recent blogs if you've read them, but it's all been a big false alarm. Maybe i don't even know what love is. I know i love my family, and the few friends that i do have. and i know i love being in a relationship. But i guess i have to really care about someone to actually even consider dating them, because i'm not the type of person who thinks just anyone is attractive. It's pretty rare for moi to think a person is someone i could end up being with. Love, is just complicated. It confuses me and I quite honestly just don't think i'm ready to fall in love yet.

-

i think it's simply amazing when i see a man putting his soul into words. i'm well aware of women having strong and sophisticated thoughts, but when i come across a guy with the most beautiful writing and totally honest words scattered across his page, i find it inspiring. my breath is literally taken away for a moment. i once saw a man whose words spoke true poetry, and it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever witnessed. ive never met a man who took the time to sit and write a real, honest biography about himself in such depth. i love seeing things like that.

-

Today i spent my whole lunch period sitting down talking with a friend. He's a great guy, and i really care about him. he opened up to me, and i listened to everything he told me. It was a good conversation, i've never really been serious with him before. I told him a friend of his, who was passing by, smelled good everytime he walked by me. So he proceeded to tell his friend i thought he smelled good and thought he was sexy. Did i die? Yes, i believe i did. It was a good lunch, i haven't had one like that in a while.

-

Things have been really good for me lately. Although my headaches are still being left unsolved, I've been improving on my weightloss. I've lost an inch around my waist, improved my mile time by 1:07, and even lost five more pounds. My emotions have been pouring out of me, as my struggle for change has left me weak and emotional. I'm fighting so hard for this life that i want, and it's challenging every last strength in me. My hope contains itself when i start to see progress, but once it fades i begin losing what i so badly want. Life is a rollarcoaster, there's no preparing for what ride is on the way.

Underage and in love.

2010-05-16T18:29:00.000-07:00

They're underage and only sure of one thing...
Her blood pumps to be in the city. He lives for the countryside acres. They runaway to a field a mile from her favorite city avenue. They lay in the grass and talk about everything on their mind. He makes her laugh at his corny jokes, and she takes his breath away with her honest beauty. His fingers gently twirl around her long chocolate hair as he looks into her golden blue eyes; eyes so beautiful they could leave a blind man wanting more. She talks about dragons, paintings, and waterfalls - all her favorite things. He speaks of music, fire, and dirtbiking - his favorites. He sees her as the most beautiful thing in the world, and he would do anything for her. He loves that she's a vegetarian and has a huge heart. The way her toes curl up when she's cold or how she plays with her ears when she's nervous. She sees things that take her breath away with beauty that most people pass by everyday. Her favorite thing in the world is seeing a firefly light up at night. She lays in the field with him talking about their life together. She tells him she wants him to be the father of all her children. Without needing any explanation, they make the most passionate love ever known to man. They've made love before that but everytime is a step better from the last. They walk down to the city and get some smoothies and salads at a local sandwich shop. she smiles and he takes her hand. he leans across the table to give her a kiss on the lips. They're underage and only sure of one thing..... They're in love.

Just breathe, In - Out - In - Out.

2010-05-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a breath of fresh air is all i need to relieve myself from suffocation. So much has been happening lately, I'm not even able to finish a sentence anymore. Hours pass at night and i long for my eyes to shut and my mind to quit running. My dreams can take control and my body can regain the energy it so desperately needs. But no such luck. My life is too busy, i can't get a moment of time to myself. I lay in bed for hours and think of my life, trying to clear some of the madness away so i can get a little sleep.

It's the end of the school year; literally one month left until summer vacation. There is honestly nothing i'm going to miss about this school year. I'm surrounded by idiotic teachers and fake friends. I've been ready for summer since about November. I'm ready for sunshine and peace. This summer i have enough plans to keep me plenty busy. I'll be getting my license and definetly be car shopping. (hoping for my big monster truck! haha) I'm also hoping to get involved in a gym membership so I'll FINALLY lose some mother truckin' weight. Once i get my car I'll be able to drive myself around and i can freely go anywhere. So i'm really thinking that's going to help me get out more and want to exercise. Fingers are crossed, 100%. I also have many plans with my family, those which will be kept secret because i don't want any stalkers headed my way, thank you very much.

Today i held back tears as i sat and listened to the vulnerable words pour out of a loved ones lips. I was helpless, and all i could do was sit there and nod my head. i just wanted to wrap my arms around that beautiful soul and tell her everything would be ok. I wanted to tell her that i could fix everything, and that she didn't have to cry anymore. But i'm not God. I can't make everything better. All i could do was listen and comfort her. Saying goodbye to someone is never easy. But seeing how bad it hurts her, absolutely kills me inside. I'd go to the end of the world to make things better. I find it especially hard to think about having to say goodbye to her. I can't imagine how she feels being in the situation she is in right now. I love her to death, literally. I'd do anything for that girl. I hope she'll be strong through this. God, i hope she'll be ok.

I've gotten rather lazy in the way i look lately. I've put a minimal amount of makeup on lately, and I've pinned up my hair everyday for a whole week. Although i can't complain, because my hair has never been softer. But i must say i'm not looking the best lately. I guess i just don't really care what my appearance is anymore. I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing, but i'm getting ready in a shorter amount of time, so quite honestly I'm not caring at the moment. I'm not trying to impress anyone, and I'm not striving to feel beautiful when i know i never will, so what's the point?

I talked to my best friend on the phone the other night. God gracious, i miss that girl. She's still in Tennessee, and unfortunately she's not able to visit this summer because she has testing for school to work on. Everytime i speak with her, i feel like i need to turn my life around. She says the most amazing things, and makes me laugh so much. But she also makes me realize so much without saying a word. We discussed college, and it hit me that i've only got two years left until i'm ready to go to college. Reality is setting in faster then lotion on my very skin, it's obsorbing in my bones, and it's freaking me out. I need to start applying for scholarships starting next year, and i'd even like to try to get a job. I'll be having so much on my plate, i'm not even sure i'll be able to balance it. but i'm definetly going to try. My best friend and i talked about what we are going to do for college. Even though this doesn't sound totally down to earth and in reality, I think it would be amazing if we could apply to the same colleges and if we got accepted to one we both like, then we could attend it together and maybe get an apartment together. I kind of planned on attending UW because i didn't really think my grades were good enough for any other college, but i understand that it wouldn't hurt to apply to other colleges. i could actually get accepted into one i really like that i've never considered before. It's a lot to think about, but now that i've got my college situation figured out, i still need to figure out what the hell i want to do with my life! haha. i always think i've got it figured out but i never do. Life is crazy, and there's so many directions i could take, it's hard to choose just one.

It's a beautiful day out, and i'm ready to get off of here. So i'll post more later.
xoxoxoxoxo.

Reality of Relationships.

2010-04-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

Today i woke up feeling achy, and my nose feels like i have a thousand needles piercing it. So i stayed home from school. i figured i'd make a blog before going back to bed again.

I've had one thing on my mind lately, and it's driving me crazy. I'm sure you can guess just what i'm talking about. My man, my boyfriend, my babylove, my other half. The past couple of days we've come to the reality of our relationship. His mother is getting married this summer and he's moving. Not far, but far enough that it's not within walking distance of my town of course. Although i'll be getting my license this summer, i don't know if our relationship will be strong enough that we'll really WANT to keep a long distance fling happening. It's difficult currently, because i see him only a couple times a week as it is now. Once he moves, it'll just get harder. We both love eachother, but at the same time, we both want eachother to be happy. I don't want him or myself to be suffering because we're lonely and missing eachother all the time. It's kind of a downer, because i almost feel like our relationship is coming to an end, but at the same time, i don't want to be the bear of bad news, so i'm trying to look at the positives and see that maybe, just maybe, our relationship will work. I can never tell. My life is so crazy every moment, i couldn't ever make plans in advance. Everytime i try to tell the future, it gets all shitted up, haha. So we'll see. I just feel like my head is spinning constantly. I almost feel like i'm going to be one of those robots in those movies where their heads spin so fast, that they pop off! wouldn't that be something.

Back to the point.... I love him. I've fallen in love with him, harder then i ever imagined. And i'll work really hard to keep this relationship going. But reality is setting in, and i just don't know what's going to happen. I guess I'm just kind of preparing myself for what may happen, but at the same time, even if i knew what was going to happen, it's still going to hurt. So i don't know. It just makes me sad everytime i think about it. Because i really don't want to lose him. He means so fucking much to me. You honestly would never understand. We'll see where life is willing to take us i guess.

On my weight loss updates, I'm not really sure what my last update was with my computer crashing; i can't remember. But, i was down fifteen pounds for a while. And the last i checked, i'm still down thirteen. I'm getting a little frustrated because i'm still not losing the weight as fast as i'm wanting. And i don't understand why. I went to the doctors a week ago, and he told me he could schedule an appointment with a nutritionist if i wanted, but i refused because i'm already eating right. I don't need to pay money to hear that i'm doing everything i need to. I guess i still need to up my exercise, and see where that goes. This summer, i really think i'll work hard, because i want to get as tan and skinny as possible, so i'll be outside as much as i can. And if that doesn't work, i'll go back to the doctors and see what else i can do.

i'm feeling very dizzy, so i'll have to finish my blog later.
xoxoxo.

The Perfect Touch.

2010-04-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

The simple kiss, or squeeze of a hand sends chills down every inch of my body. my knees find weakness at the very sound of your voice. my heart melts and spills to my feet everytime you smile. your laugh is addicting, it makes me higher then the most powerful drug.

I don't know how it happened, but you did it. i was so far gone when we met. i wanted anything but a relationship. i was lost, unable to identify anything and i felt like a stranger to myself. But then you changed everything. You found a grasp on my heart and stole it right out of my chest, without any given warning. i fell hard for you, and so far you've done a good job of catching me.

You make me feel so safe when i'm with you. I know you'd never let anything hurt me. You'd do absolutely anything to protect me. And i know i'd do the same for you. Your simple words of "you're beautiful" or "i love you more then you know" mean so much to me. You have a way about you that makes me forget everything in my life and for a moment when i'm in your arms, i actually FEEL beautiful. A feeling that is unusual for me. You've got the perfect touch.

I want to share everything with you, i want you to know how much you mean to me. Life does some unexpected things sometimes. I mean, it brought you to me. Someone too good for me is actually with me. Who would've ever thought? I don't know how long this will last, or how far we'll get. But one thing is certain. I found love. At just fifteen years old, i've gone head over heels. And it's a beautiful feeling that i'm enjoying right now. I've opened up and let myself have the opportunity to get hurt again. But i'm trusting you won't hurt me. You're someone worth taking a chance on.

Somedays you make me want to rip my hair out because i get so frustrated with you. You act like you don't want to talk to me, or you act like you don't care a single ounce about me. But then you realize something is wrong and you send me a simple "i love you" text and i instantly melt. You make me upset somedays, and you make me sad. You make me angry, and even worried. But at the end of the day, i'll always love you. I get over whatever is upsetting me, and we both go back to caring about eachother. i honestly don't think i've ever had someone confuse me so much. My emotions are a rollarcoaster about you. But it's because i've never been in love before, so i'm not used to it.

You're the cutest thing i've ever seen. You probably don't notice, but i stare at you constantly. I can't get over how insanely attractive i think you are. I like you so much, and i can't help myself sometimes. i love just laying on my bed with you listening to your heart beat. You've got the best beating heart in the world. Your lips are soft, and your skin is warm. You're on the verge of defining perfection, and it's so crazy. Who knows what will happen. We may last a long time, or we may not even last through tomorrow. But for now, i'm having fun. I love you. 04.03.10

More Apologies...

2010-04-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, as i hear clicks of keyboards and whispers between friends. There's a couple loud individuals talking on their phones, and a couple shy ones with their hoods up and headphones in their ears. There is two beautiful women sitting next to me speaking in a language i'm unfamiliar with. i haven't been to a public library in almost three years. It feels weird to sit in one now, being a foot taller, and years maturer. But somehow i'm content with it.

My computer took a turn, and crashed almost a week ago. I haven't been able to get on the internet for a good five days at least. But i haven't been able to get on to blog in almost a month. My computer won't let me for some reason. So my apologies for my lack of blogging, again. I've really wanted to get things off my mind.... there's been ALOT on my mind to be honest. and if i had it my way, i would've had ten blogs by now.

My plans are to purchase a laptop as soon as possible, and if it means paying for my own internet as well, i'll do that too. I can't live without blogging, and in the process of getting my own computer, i'll have to settle for the library.

Onto New subjects....

I found myself a man. Who would've ever thought? We've been going steady for almost a month now, and he's really great. I think he just may be my first true love. I never thought it was possible to fall in love when you're so young; so inexperienced. And especially not for ME of all people. But somehow i think i have. I'll have a blog about him up soon, you can trust me on that :) But i feel like i can never stop talking about him. He annoys the crap out of me somedays, but then i think about it; and i don't think there's a single individual out there that CAN'T get on my nerves. So he just might be alright for me.

School has fallen through the cracks once again. My grades are slipping, and i'm getting to the point where i honestly can't stand being in the environment. My teachers are all psycho, and i don't see how they aren't in a mental institution. The people i'm surrounded by do anything to get a little attention. It's just all around horrible. I wish more then anything it was summer. I'm ready to get away.

Well, this blog has been rather short. and i know i could blog about a million more things. But i have to get going.... so i'll try to get another blog as soon as possible. Cross your fingers i can get a laptop soon!!!
xoxo.

Dreams only come in moderations.

2010-03-25T16:04:00.001-07:00

Apologies, my friend. Your page has been missing my mind lately, as you can tell by all of these days passing without a single blog. I must get better at this, it's a goal. I've got a lot lingering around though, things i'm just dying to write down. So, you're in luck.

First of all, I'll start with the sad news. There's always something, it seems. A beloved coach at my school died of brain cancer the other night. It's very sad, and even though i didn't know him, it still breaks my heart. About a week before that, my dear grandmother died. It's a complicated situation, but i guess she died of starvation. She had multiple strokes that left her almost paralyzed, and she couldn't eat or drink anymore. Her only option was to be fed through a tube, or starve. and she didn't want to be fed through the tube. So she chose to die. I'm not angry in any way. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. I just always feel like a terrible person when i think about it because i broke a promise to her that i can never un-do. Since i was a little girl, she always told me she wanted to read something i wrote, because it seemed i always had a notebook in my hand, writing stories about anything on my mind. I promised her one day i'd let her read something. Days and days past, and she'd gotten so sick recently, she wouldn't have even known if i was there reading it to her. So i broke a promise. And i feel awful for it. I know she'd understand, but it's still a weight i have to carry on my shoulders for the rest of my life.

Moving on,. I took my driver's test last night and passed! I was so excited. I thought it was funny though, because in my "fortune/horoscope" that i read earlier that day said i would ace my next exam. Then my test number was number 9, which is my lucky number. And i ended up missing 9 questions, which is just enough to pass. Funny how things work. But no matter. All i need now is a car to call my own, as well as august to come so i can get my license.

My weightloss is not as successful as ive been hoping. I've managed to jump from losing zero pounds, to ten pounds, and i tend to bounce in between the two weights alot. I'm trying so very hard to lose another fifteen pounds by the end of the school year, (June 17th) But it'll be rather difficult. Even though it's a slow process, i'm at least glad my weight has been going down. Whether it's a pound a month, or ten. It's slowly declining, and i'm happy. My self confidence has been at an all time low, and unless i get these pounds to fly off, it's not going to improve much.

I've been thinking alot lately. And i've been having tons of dreams about dancing. I don't even know how to dance, but some how i can't get over the thought of how much i'd like to go out and just dance, dance my heart out with someone i love. I've gone to school dances, but nothing's ever actually happened. I've shook my butt, and stood around, but i've never truely been in someone's arms and danced, or even slow danced. That would be nice, don't you think?

well, i better get going. I'll write more later<3

I want it now.

2010-03-04T15:41:00.001-08:00

i want to fall in love.

i want a real, true, fairytale.

and i want it now.

Snooze fest.

2010-02-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

Today's agenda consists of nothing containing importance to the least. It's all just babbles and maybe some gas bubbles. HAHA Just kidding.

New semester started today. Still sucks like last semester. New kids, new classes, crazy mixed up schedules. Not really sure how i'm feeling about this, but we'll see how it goes.

Gym class is new. No.Way.In.Hell.I'm.Going.Swimming. Will not do it. I don't wear a bathing suit, i look like SHEIT when my hair is wet, my makeup wil be down my face. I'm not doing it. It's bad enough i have NO clothes for PE now, i'm not swimming too.

I got a kiss from a bright-haired beauty today. My friend gives me a hug, we pet eachother's heads, then she gives me a smacker. Did i enjoy that? I think so:)

Just got done working out my abs:) I'm feeeeeeeeelin' good. Let's get this rolling. New semester, new me. Had a fun weekend. Sleep schedule is totally whack. But, somehow i'm still chugging along. Dyed hair, Mollie picked out the color. She dyed hers too, and i love it. Everyone was shooting out compliments about both ours today. Sleepover with her was fun. "i feel like we're on our honeymoon or something" hahahahhaha.

Peaceee out. Sorry my blog is lamee, but i'll have a better one another day.

Love; Or just a dream.

2010-01-29T12:16:00.001-08:00

So that's it; over and done. My first semester of sophmore year is over, and nothing came of it. I pulled off a 3.5gpa, and i lost friends - then gained friends, then lost them again. I feel like this year has been nothing but a rollarcoaster, right in the center of bipolar avenue. 'Just scary to think there's only five semesters left until the rides over. Five semesters and i'll be packing my bags to who knows where, completely alone, looking for a place i can call home...again. I cried myself to sleep lastnight, because i finally understood exactly what i want. And what i want, i don't deserve. When i leave my home, it's my destiny to find a place to live.....a way to make money......a life i'm willing to create in any way i want. And i have the responsibility to find someone i want to spend the rest of my life with. That's alot to take on for one person. But somehow, everyone does it. I think about it almost everyday. What exactly am i going to do with my life?

Last night, i watched a movie. It's called "Girl, Interupted." It's about a bunch of girls that are admitted to a phychiatric ward. They have a lot of problems, and think it's because of everyone around them. They made their life the way it is; they destroyed it. And yet, they blame everyone else for it. It deals with a bunch of different things. But the point is, watching that movie made me realize something. Life isn't a game. It's your choice to live it the way you want. And if you want to mess everything up, it's your problem. I know i want a happy life, i know i want a life full of never ending adventure. The thought of being stuck in the same place like i have been for the rest of my life, almost drives me mad. There's no way i'll be able to stay in the same place forever. i need that change sometimes.

I had a dream lastnight. it was the most beautiful dream i've ever had. If i would've died right then, it wouldn't have mattered because everything was perfect. It made me understand exactly the type of person i'd love to be with. But the question is, do i deserve that person, and does that person even exist?

Imagine a kid that wears plaid buttonup shirts everyday. He pairs it with skinny jeans and sneakers. He's a kid with longer hair, and a skater image, but who's never picked up a board in his life. A boy that's not embarassed to take me to an art gallery, or a mall and have candle lit picnics on the beach with me at night. A typical guy that likes to have fun, but is a total sweetheart to me. Who's mature, and treats me with respect. A boy that wouldn't feel stupid dancing and singing with me. He wouldn't be too "tough" to act silly whenever he's around me. I want him to be okay with doing girly things, like shopping and cooking. But he'd also let me play rough with him, like go rock climbing and wrestling together. i want a dork who's not shy to admit it. A guy who'll be my best friend, and the love of my life. I want him to be completely comfortable around me, and let me be the same with him. I want romance, damnit. i need a guy that doesn't have big ego, and who will just have fun and not have a care in the world. But i also need a guy who'll be serious about me. A guy who'll only have eyes for me, not every girl that walks by.

Now tell me there's someone like that out there, and i'll keep my hope. I've never met someone that even came remotely close. Who knows, maybe the person i end up with won't even meet any of these requirements. But if they don't, i'd have a hard time thinking i'd be happy with them. Maybe, just maybe i won't even end up with anyone i could be alone the rest of my life. No one can read the future, i never know what's in store for me. But apparently, my dreams know exactly what's right.

Melting So Softly.

2010-01-26T21:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, my childish ways get the best of me. For instance, i fell in love tonight. With a married man, who has a kid, and who i saw on television. But you can't blaim me, because he's absolutely the most beautiful human being on the face of this earth. His voice sooths my soul, and his physical attractivness is absolutely over powering. His name is Andrew Adrian Garcia. and i saw him on the American Idol tryouts tonight. The second i saw him, I practically cried of excitement, and happiness. I literally melted on my soft blue carpet of a floor. And my mother had to put me back together again. He's got the appearance i'm looking for, and the voice i want. He's perrrrrfect. And i want want want him. He'll definetly gain me as a supporter. Maybe, just maybe it's still possible for me to find someone so lovely. I sure hope so, because he's got every asset i'm looking for. I've honestly been listening to his music on repeat for the last twenty minutes. Please stop me now, because i'll go on forever.

On another topic, I got an offer today. The preschool teacher at my school keeps asking me if i can help with the kids again after this semester ends. And i love those kids to death, so of course i want to. After talking to a councelor and my mother multiple times, i think i'm going to do it. I'm going to switch out of my history class and get into that. Then i'll just finish up my last semester of history next year. I'm excited to stay in there. Children are sooo freakin' cute.

Finals are almost over!!! Tomorrow is the last day, haulaluya. (very terrible spelling, hahah sorry) Although the whacky schedule has been nice, i'm glad the testing is over. I'm pretty happy i got a B+ on my math final, but then again, i wish i would've done better. I'll just have to see when they all come back. Wish me luckkk.

This blog is a snoozer, i apologize. i just needed to get those couple things out. I promise i'll have a better one in the next couple of days.

Miracle, or just plain Myth.

2010-01-25T16:08:00.000-08:00

Is it just me? Or has anyone else noticed the beautiful sunrises we've had recently. Almost every morning as i'm walking to school, the sky is pinker then the cheeks of an embarassed child. and i love it. Sunrises make my mind wild. They make my heart happy. And they make my soul beautiful. It puts a good start to even the worst mornings. I've taken a couple pictures on my cell phone (as shown above) and they've turned out magnificent. I can't wait to develop the film in my photography camera. i bet there's some beautiful shots on there. For as crappy as the Northwest weather has been, it's been made up with the morning skys.

Speaking of skys, this morning something amazing happened. Last night, i wanted God to give me a sign. I told him lastnight as i was in bed wrapping my blankets around myself, that he should let me know how i do on my finals. I've been stressing about them for weeks now. I told him that if i come to school in the morning and the sky is black and ugly, that it means i will fail my final. And if the sky had even a hint of pink in it, I'd pass. It was raining all night, so i figured that was my sign. Walking into school, i looked around to see an ugly black sky. Feeling upset and worried, i continued walking to school. But then, i looked over my shoulder. There was a single small cloud in the sky that glowed a beautiful pastel pink. A smile leaped on my face. He listened to me, he really did. And i took my final, feeling pretty good about it. Obviously i know i'm not going to get an A, but i know i'm not going to fail. I feel much closer to God today. I know he listened.

I have a math final tomorrow, and it's going to be easy compared to my science final today. Math is my better subject. Tonight, i'd only been home from school about an hour, and my aunt calls. My little cousin needs help with her homework. I spent the last three hours helping her. I feel bad for her sometimes, because she just doesn't understand it. But i don't blame her. I even had a hard time with some of her math.

Cupid struck me right in my back....again. I find myself having another one of my "first grade crushes" on a boy in my classes. :) He's not typically the definition of gorgeous, actually most people would agree he is quite the opposite. But i think he's adorable. I'm not getting involved though. I'm not looking for a relationship or any love connection right now. I said i wasn't at New years, and i'm sticking to my word. He's cute, and it's fun to stare at him from afar, but as of now nothing is going to happen. Sometimes cupid, sometimes. You hit me at the wrong times.

So an update on my weight loss. So far, i've been eating much better. I'm literally having at least one salad everyday. And the sugar intake has lessened alot. I still eat sugars, just nothing like i used to. I'm actually eating things like yogurt, spinach, and bananas. Things i would have NEVER put in my mouth before i started this. I've felt better, much better in fact. I've had more energy and i've actually been happier. It's really changed how i feel. But on the days that i overlapse back, and eat fast food or something unhealthy, i get a massive headache and start feeling tired. So i make sure to stick to eating better. As for the actual weight loss, it hasn't improved as much as i'd like it to. But starting next week, i'll be enrolling in gym class, so i'm hoping the extra exercise will shed off the pounds. If not, i've gotta do something different because i'm not getting to where i want to be.

So far the new year has been great. We'll see what else it has in store for me.
xoxoxox.

Another Year, Another Blog.

2009-12-29T14:53:00.000-08:00

Well, considering there's only two days left in 2009, this will most likely be my last blog of this year. i've been taking time to reflect on what exactly i made of this past year. Nothing comes to mind, how sad. I graduated jr. high school, with about a C average. That's not worth cheering about. I got myself suspended for not being able to close this large mouth of mine - maybe i should've just gotten a muzzle. I let some guys take advantage of me, in ways i'm not proud of. Nothing i've done this year is anything i would call an "accomplishment." But, at the same time, all these incidents have made me realize what a shitty job i was doing at living. And now that i have my head screwed on properly again, i've been living better. My grades are up, my spirit is slowly climbing higher, and i'm not getting myself in sticky situations. I've thrown the possibility of falling in love right now out the window. There's no way i'm going to successfully manage a relationship at this point in my life. I've also thrown out my rebellious ways. No more giving my body to others, or sharing it with others. I have self respect, and dignity. And i couldn't be more proud. 2010, will be my year. Although i say that alot, this time i'm backing up my statements.

I've started working out. It's a shock, even to me. But i've made a goal. On December 14th, i decided i needed this change. That by the exact day (December 14th), of next year, i will try my hardest to lose up to 100 pounds. I'm not saying i'll accomplish it, because i know that's a damn hard thing to do, considering how much weight that is, but i'm sure as hell gonna try. It's been two weeks, and i've lost six pounds. My goal, is to average about 10 pounds a month. And i'll be good. So, we'll see if this falls through. This is getting to be my last chance. If i don't shape up, and get healthy, who knows what will happen. I'll probably become very ill. and that's not something i want. I'm doing this for myself now. Not for anyone else. So maybe that's the ingredient i need to succeed at this. Wish me luck, i'm going to need all i can get.

Looking at my previous blogs, they've all been upsetting. I'm not happy. Or, i wasn't when i wrote them. But at the moment, i'm actually very happy. I realized just exactly what was making me unhappy. My dreams, my ideas. They left me, out cold in the street. I couldn't imagine happiness. I only had dreams of being sick, and sad. Fortunately, i found them again. I'm even writing again. I've got a great idea for a story. It's so personal, it's almost over powering. But i'm determined to finish it this time. I've never finished a story in my life. This needs to be my first. My mind is like, on overdrive right now. Almost as if catching up, for lost time. It's crazy. But i'm glad. I'm so glad my head is back.

My holidays have been great. My Christmas was quiet, very quiet in fact. On Christmas Eve, my uncle and Grandmother(on my mom's side) came over. We played Yahtzee, because she loves that. She's still pretty weak from her heart surgery in April, but she's getting so much better. She was like, offering to cook, and help set the table and everything. It was so awesome to see her like that. We opened gifts, and spent time together. Although it was quiet, it was still very special, to all of us. My grandmother on my dad's side, is still pretty sick. He went to visit her on Christmas Day, and came home histerical. I've never heard him that upset. And it crushed me. He said she was screaming like mad. She didn't care about the gifts he'd gotten her. All she did was scream. He told me he couldn't take it. He had to get out of there. How crushing is that? For a son to see his mother so unhappy on Christmas? It's heartbreaking. The rest of that day, we spent at my aunt's house. My dad tried not to think about that morning, and we actually had a great time. We played tons of games, and took loads of pictures. From Santa, i got a beautiful new acoustic guitar, which i'm very excited about. I also got a jukebox! the one i've been wanting. It's an ipod dock, but it looks like a mini jukebox. it even lights up, it's awesome. I finally finished my mom's scrapbook too, a day before Christmas Eve. She LOVED it, i'm so glad. i spent so much time and money on that, she couldn't believe it.

As for New Years, i'm not 100% sure what my family has planned. But i'm sure it will be nice.

I've been deciding back and forth what i should make as a resolution. I think i'll keep it plain and simple. Every year, for the past probably four years, i've made a resolution of losing weight. And it's never happened. So, i'm not making that one again. I'll just DO IT, instead of say that i'm doing it. I think I'm just going to make a goal of living my life to the fullest possible advantage. I want to make something of this year. 2009 slipped by my fingertips, and i'm NOT letting 2010 do that, too. So i'm gonna have fun, while still getting things done that need to be.

I think this blog is long enough now:) I'll post more later.
So, Have a f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c new years.<3>

Hit and Blow.

2009-12-11T15:28:00.000-08:00

Today was another one of those "icky" days. When i was a small child and i was having a day like this, i would make myself feel better by building a giant fort in my room out of blankets and pillows and i'd hide in it all day. (Not that that couldn't make anyone of any age happy) But at this age, the technology factories programmed ipods to go to a level of "escape the world" so teenagers won't go mad. Well, HELLLO IPOD, i'm still going mad. Do you have a level on insanity? Anything higher? Because that's the level I'm going to need.

Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if there was a place to go when you needed to get away. A place like, Hogwarts. Somewhere that you have to run through a wall or jump through a portal, and come out on another side into a magical world. And in that world, it's like heaven. But, not so fabulous of course. It's just a peaceful place (UNLIKE Harry Potter) and you just go there when you need to relax, or get your head straight. No one would be there to bother you. You could just take time to get your thoughts together. Maybe there would be doves, and deer there as well. Because they're both beautifully peaceful animals. Who knows. But i personally think that would be incredible. I'd be there all.the.time.

I can't really say why my life has been so stressful lately. I mean, it's Christmas time! I should be Fa-La-La-La-La-ing. And i was for a while there. But even with the tree, decorations, and presents wrapped, it doesn't feel like christmas anymore. Hopefully that changes reallll soon. I think my stress revolves around school - again. I've been throwing people out the door faster then my mom's homemade dinners. (Kidding, she's a great cook. But you get the point.) People have just been on my nerves lately. Like, seriously - get off my jock! ;) It's not that hard to show respect, ya know? If you respect me, i will definetly respect you. But if you're gonna act like a total douche, you can count on me to throw it back in your face. it's not a hard concept to understand. i just wish people would grow up.

Ahhh. Now that i got that out:) Let's try a positive subject. There's tons of various activities happening lately. For school, I'm starting a portfolio of my volunteer work so i can get a job in the next year. Then, there's an "Adopt a Family" thing going on in my history class, where we can bring in anything we own, or buy anything for families in need on christmas. I feel good helping out. It's something really personal, and really special. I'm also trying to grow my hair out! :)it's long enough now to the point where i can put most of it up in a ponytail, and i can baredly get it straightened anymore. Just about, a foot more and it'll be at the desirable length, yaayyy. hahaha.

Welll, i should go. But, I'll write again later.

A wonderous evening.

2009-11-18T17:54:00.001-08:00

A special bond has fallen into my lap today. I got to adopt a computer programmed child today for one of my classes. He is a Black baby Boy, and i named him Lil'Dude Crayola. I know, what a name:). Anyways, I got him home, and for the first two hours, he was a little angel. He didn't say a word, and just slept the whole time. But he chose to wake up a little while ago, and full out scream. Well, my key that programs him and reads that i'm his mother, isn't working properly. So he feels as if a total stranger is holding him the whole time. So he's been screaming, and I've been getting so frustrated that i'm on the verge of tears. Thank god, i finally got him to calm down though, and he's sleeping now.

Ahh, kids. After today, i feel like getting my tubes tied. And he isn't even real. I guess that's the whole point of the assignment though. To prove that you're not ready to have a kid at this age. And i sure as hell am not. But it also taught me an extremely important thing. One thing that i needed to realize a long time ago. My patience lately has been a crack short of falling over the edge. I've been frustrated and annoyed and angry at so many things lately. My temper has been out of control. And i'm glad i realized this. Because I want to walk into 2010 being a strong, beautiful, and patient woman. I want patience like the pre-school teacher i have grown to enjoy being around. I want the patience one of my good friends has - she's amazing with kids and loves life. Her smile is an inspiration to me. I want to have patience so i won't get so upset, so easily. And i'm going to work on it. I guess it also doesn't help that I'm sick and having cramps on top of everything else. I'm just stressed. But it's alright. I'll survive.

Everyday is one day shorter until christmas. We have what, about 37 days left? I'm so excited. My mother has already bought candy canes, and i'm half way done with my christmas shopping. I've never been more ready for christmas before, then i have been this year. My madre even made a pie tonight, of course for no reason involving the holidays. But it's still a pie. She makes like, four pies for christmas. So it just made it feel even closer. How so very thrilling.

Here I go again, ranting about this beautiful time of year. But can you blaim me? I remember last year, ahhh, the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. I was with my current boyfriend (who now, is a total douche who i don't speak to. So don't bring him up around me) Anways, my mother was driving him home after he'd been at my house all night absolutely killing me at Halo 2. Everytime he'd win, I'd get pissed and he'd kiss me and i'd act like i was mad. But, my mom was driving him home, and it started to snow. We were in the backseat, and he took my hand as we looked out the window. My mom turned on the brights, and we looked at the snow flakes hitting the windshield, as the trees and the road began to get a white cover. Oh my, it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. And i will NEVER, ever forget that sight.

I think I'll plug a movie in, and call it a night. I'm tired, and ready to just relax. Well, unless my lovely kid starts yelling again - which he will. Most likely all night. So, i need to relax as much as i can. Oh god, i hope he doesn't cry when i'm in the shower. That will not be good.
Gotta Go.

xoxo.

My Beloved Friend...

2009-11-17T16:52:00.000-08:00

So sorry I've neglected you lately.....
My life has been so off track recently, it's almost got me feeling like i'm going completely and mentally insane. I feel like a spider that's never able to stop spinning her web; For I need to survive. School's been hell and back all the time now. I'm passing by the days with no one i'm able to talk to about anything worth importance, and it's really bringing me down in a pissy mood. My grades are slowly going down, but I'm able to maintain above a 3.0 gpa, which is all I really need. I'm trying to pull my head out of my butt though and get back on track, but it's been rather difficult. Thank God the holidays are coming up, they always put me in a better mood.

Speaking of Holidays, recently i've been looking through old photos for a project towards my grandmother's christmas present. We decided to buy her one of those picture frames that scans through thousands of images like a slideshow, and I've been busy picking out pictures to put on it for her. But anyways - that's besides the point. So i've been going through hundreds and hundreds of my baby pictures up to pictures i just took a month ago. And i came across an envelope of pictures that i took with my photography camera. It was the first time i'd used that camera, and i just took amateur photos. But there were a few very cute ones, as shown above. And i thought of how fun it would be to start taking more pictures. Yeah, yeah. So cliche. Everyone takes photography pictures now-a-days, right? I don't care, it's still fun. It makes others see beauty in a way that they've never seen it before. I think the world has so many things that carry beauty - and SHOULD be captured on a photograph.

Anyways, new topic. Mysteriously, all ten of my fingers have become cut, and bloody. Gross and painful, i almost want to put a bandaid on each one so they can heal. But how annoying would that be? Having a bandaid on every finger.... I probably couldn't even hold a pencil right. Then again, my bandaids are bright colors :) So that might be fun, haha.

You know what i find funny? I'm trying to move forward with my life, and lately I've been getting interrupted with showings from my past. Ex Lovers, Old friends, and all these reminders of things that weren't so great keep popping into my life out of no where. And it's got me thinking. Why? Does God not want me to move on with my life? Does he want me to live in the past forever? I highly doubt that, but I just don't understand why these things keep happening. Who knows, as of now I'm just rambling. So, maybe i better stop for now.

:) xoxoxo.

Madame Cook.

2009-10-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

Bonjour, mon ami. For all of you that don't speak French, that means "hello, my friend." Why am i speaking french? Because today, my French class had a Crepe party. (i'm so sorry for my terrible spelling sometimes.) Anyways, it was fun, and my stomach yelled at me even after just one crepe. It was delicious though. My crepe contained sugar/cinnamon, a small amount of chocolate sauce, strawberry juice, and whipped cream. :)<3>

You're probably wondering why i'm telling you this. Well, when i was cooking my crepe on the small stove provided for us, I was noticing that a bunch of people were complimenting me on how perfect mine turned out. And it got me to thinking. I think it'd be fun to be a cook! I love making weird combinations of food, and I don't mean to boast or brag, but i'm pretty good at it too. So, hey. Maybe i found my career path, finally. But who knows, by tomorrow i could think totally differently.

that's just my little post today.
I've had SERIOUS writer's block lately.
D:

Gravity.

2009-10-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say, i found gravity today. And by that, i mean as i was walking in between classes, my foot slipped out from under me, and i fell down a flight of stairs. This specific flight of stairs only had four steps, you see. And i butt-bounced down all of them. So i lay there, my legs sticking out into the open hallway, and my head in a corner, wondering if this really happened. My ankle had twisted in a very intense position, and i'm surprised my pants didn't rip. I started crying, out of peer laughter. I imagined how funny i looked. People walked around the corner, and just seen this big girl laying on the ground. The crazy thing is, i realized i wasn't the least bit embarassed. I just found it hysterical how clumsy i can be sometimes. So, that was my little moment today.

I'm so excited that i made a blog, whether anyone actually reads it or not, I'm just glad i found a place where i can write anything i want. I don't think i'd be able to live without some form of creative expression. My writing, and my art are my ways of escaping every emotion inside me. Otherwise, everything just builds up. Because if you ever got to know me, you'd know i'm not the type of person to spill out my life to others. So i get things out by creation.

Well, i'm done ranting for now.
:) <3>

Life's Starting Line.

2009-10-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

i've sunken into a strange world this past month. a world that not even i am familiar with. My emotions have been in a bind, and i've felt lost. I walk down my high school's hallways, feeling more out of place then when i'm in the most crowded part of a city. All the people around me carry on with their lives, feeling the same emotions and the same lifestyle as every other day. I, i walk into school everyday feeling like it's my first day alive. i find myself listening to every little sound, and paying attention to every moving detail. I touch every surface in front of me. I taste every new food i've never seen before. I pay attention to the music playing from someone's headphones across the class from me, that are turned up a bit too loud. Sometimes i even think i forget how to move my feet, because my brain is so over loaded with new discoveries. I sit here, feeling like i'm at life's starting line.

But the question that always flutters my mind is, am i alone? Do other people feel this as well? what DO other people feel? Did they have a rough morning, full of tears? Did their dog run away, or their mom didn't tell them she loved them? Did their favorite pair of jeans get ruined in the wash, or did their goldfish die? What about the kids with smiles on their faces. Did they wake up to a "good morning" text from the one they love? Did they find $10 in their pocket that they don't remember leaving there? Or is it all an act? are they as unhappy as those less fortunate?

My mind always wonders how other people see the world. What they feel, what they see, what their life is like. What's so different about their life, compared to mine. Somedays I just wish i could transport into someone's body and see. I want to be able to read someone's mind, and know exactly what's going on in their head. Is there something they're hiding, something i can help with? or something that could be life changing?

I'll probably never know the truth, but i say, there isn't a single moment that passes where i don't wonder. The single moment that i think i've got things figured out, i'm always proven wrong. I get flung back to the beginning, not knowing about anything. I get flung back to feeling like i'm at,
Life's Starting Line.