So that's it; over and done. My first semester of sophmore year is over, and nothing came of it. I pulled off a 3.5gpa, and i lost friends - then gained friends, then lost them again. I feel like this year has been nothing but a rollarcoaster, right in the center of bipolar avenue. 'Just scary to think there's only five semesters left until the rides over. Five semesters and i'll be packing my bags to who knows where, completely alone, looking for a place i can call home...again. I cried myself to sleep lastnight, because i finally understood exactly what i want. And what i want, i don't deserve. When i leave my home, it's my destiny to find a place to live.....a way to make money......a life i'm willing to create in any way i want. And i have the responsibility to find someone i want to spend the rest of my life with. That's alot to take on for one person. But somehow, everyone does it. I think about it almost everyday. What exactly am i going to do with my life?

Last night, i watched a movie. It's called "Girl, Interupted." It's about a bunch of girls that are admitted to a phychiatric ward. They have a lot of problems, and think it's because of everyone around them. They made their life the way it is; they destroyed it. And yet, they blame everyone else for it. It deals with a bunch of different things. But the point is, watching that movie made me realize something. Life isn't a game. It's your choice to live it the way you want. And if you want to mess everything up, it's your problem. I know i want a happy life, i know i want a life full of never ending adventure. The thought of being stuck in the same place like i have been for the rest of my life, almost drives me mad. There's no way i'll be able to stay in the same place forever. i need that change sometimes.

I had a dream lastnight. it was the most beautiful dream i've ever had. If i would've died right then, it wouldn't have mattered because everything was perfect. It made me understand exactly the type of person i'd love to be with. But the question is, do i deserve that person, and does that person even exist?

Imagine a kid that wears plaid buttonup shirts everyday. He pairs it with skinny jeans and sneakers. He's a kid with longer hair, and a skater image, but who's never picked up a board in his life. A boy that's not embarassed to take me to an art gallery, or a mall and have candle lit picnics on the beach with me at night. A typical guy that likes to have fun, but is a total sweetheart to me. Who's mature, and treats me with respect. A boy that wouldn't feel stupid dancing and singing with me. He wouldn't be too "tough" to act silly whenever he's around me. I want him to be okay with doing girly things, like shopping and cooking. But he'd also let me play rough with him, like go rock climbing and wrestling together. i want a dork who's not shy to admit it. A guy who'll be my best friend, and the love of my life. I want him to be completely comfortable around me, and let me be the same with him. I want romance, damnit. i need a guy that doesn't have big ego, and who will just have fun and not have a care in the world. But i also need a guy who'll be serious about me. A guy who'll only have eyes for me, not every girl that walks by.

Now tell me there's someone like that out there, and i'll keep my hope. I've never met someone that even came remotely close. Who knows, maybe the person i end up with won't even meet any of these requirements. But if they don't, i'd have a hard time thinking i'd be happy with them. Maybe, just maybe i won't even end up with anyone i could be alone the rest of my life. No one can read the future, i never know what's in store for me. But apparently, my dreams know exactly what's right.