by your side*/}

Visions of your future.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010, 3:14 PM

I hear the cries of an unhappy individual who's lived an extremely hard life. She's lived through abuse, fear, and even death of her own child. So what do you do when you know someone you care about isn't happy with their life anymore and you're powerless to change that? It seems like happiness is something everyone strives for these days with society the way it is, and reaching the feeling of happiness is almost impossible. I wish for a lot of things, i mean i guess everyone does. But when my wishes involve a change in the lifestyle of other people around me, it seems like my dreams are far off in the distance, and i'm unable to grasp onto them.

My future is starting to become a large foggy cloud and everytime i try to think even five minutes ahead, i feel like my life is being changed dramatically. I don't feel like my dreams are on an unrealistic level, but somehow i keep lowering the standards for myself. My father told me the other day that he thinks i should become a writer. For him to tell me that i have enough potential to be capable of doing something i've always dreamed of, makes me wonder if all along i really have been too hard on myself. If you knew my dad, you'd understand why i feel the way i do. Since i was just a child, he's always had low standards for me. He's never believed in me and he always feared i'd make bad choices and screw up my life just like some of my relatives have. For him to tell me have talent and should follow my dreams really hits a spot in my heart. It makes me feel like maybe i'm being too hard on myself, and i am capable of more then i think. All i've ever wanted to do in my life is make my parents proud of me. If i can make something of myself and give back even half of what they've given me, i'd be happy.

So this whole thing got me thinking....
Am i a writer? Was i born to write? I came across a fellow blogger the other days who said her definition of a writer was someone who dropped everything they were doing when they got an idea and wrote it down before they had time to forget. I find myself guilty in that action quite often. I've actually gotten ideas while i've been sleeping and woken up out of my sleep to write them down. So does that make me a writer? No, but my passion for the colors in every word and the poetry writing can bring out that speaking can't makes me a writer. I can get my thoughts out through writing much easier then i can speak it through the finest tone of my lips. The stutter you hear in my daily sentences doesn't come out when i'm writing. I feel fearless and proud when i write; it makes everything in my life understandable; it clears everything up. To me, writing is my mind touching in on something i can't speak up on.

I got asked the other day what i look for in a significant other, specifically a guy. I honestly couldn't answer any specific traits about any given individual that i love. Everyone that i've ever dated look and act so much different from eachother. It makes me realize that i don't have a specific "type" of person that i fall for. So what makes me attracted to someone? You know just as much as i do. When it comes to dating, i feel like a kid in a toy store shopping for a new bike. You don't know anything about the bikes, you just point your finger at one and say "i want that one". That's kind of of how i pick my men (and women). I see something i like, and i want it. If i don't get it, i don't throw a fit i just move on to something else... I guess what really attracts me is just someone i can feel comfortable enough talking with. It's difficult for me to keep a conversation going with someone without making anything feel awkward after about two sentences. Which is exactly why i refer to writing to get my emotions out, because i'm not talented with my words. I stutter and hate feeling embarassed, so i keep conversations small. If i'm able to find someone who i'm able to really open up with, that's really special in my book. i guess just an individual who i'm able to get along with, who wouldn't get bored of me and who shares similar interests with me is all i'm looking for. I never really get jealous or carry drama on my shoulders, so some find me boring. That's alright with me though, i'd rather find someone who would never fight with me to be with rather then someone who pounces on drama. So, if you ever ask me what i look for in a potential relationship, here's my answer. Keep a conversation going, and be honest with me. That's all i ask of. The rest is history, as they say...

As i'm writing this beautiful blog here, i'm listening to Andrew Garcia's "Little Piece Of Home". For those of you unfamiliar with his handsome face, Andrew was on this season's American Idol. He's my inspiration, and i honestly can't get enough of his voice. Its got a tone that just absorbs my soul and makes me calmer then the summertime breeze. Speaking of summertime, i literally have about 20 lays left until vacation. I layed in my bed lastnight and there was still light shining through my window at 10pm. How am i supposed to sleep when i know there's still life meant to be outside? Summer is creeping around slower then i ever expected. I can't wait any longer to get my car, and finally start my life again. The only downside of summer coming is that David is moving. The guy i've become closest to these past couple months, my brother that i care about dearly. He'll be moving across the states, and i'll honestly be heartbroken when he leaves. As much as i'd like to say we're going to stay in contact and remain close, i just don't see it happening. I'll definetly pray for the best, but going to college is a big thing. You make life changes and don't necessarily hang onto your past. How do you just deal with losing a big brother? He may not be blood but this guy has become my family, and saying bye to him will be one of the hardest things i'll have to do. My sister is even closer to him then i am; i couldn't imagine how hard this will be for her. It's already tearing me apart just thinking about it.

The ending to this blog wasn't really written, so it's this sentence i guess.
I'm thinking about changing the way i write my blogs, no? We'll see next blog i post.
xoxo.

Labels: college, future, happy, moving, relationships, writer