by your side*/}

The Beginning To An End.

Thursday, June 9, 2011, 12:30 PM

It's been far too long since i wrote last. I could make a long list of excuses as to what my reasons are, but the thing is - that's not important. The fact is, i need to start writing again, period.

My life has changed dramatically since i opened this page last, but again - i'm not going to rant on about what's happened because i could go on for years. What i'm going to do is start fresh. A new beginning sounds nice. I'll start from this very moment, right now as my legs are sticking to this uncomfortably hot chair, my hair is pinned up in a messy bun, i have absolutely no makeup on my face, and i have ugly brown spots on my legs from my tanning lotion not being rubbed in good enough. Yes, we'll start here.

I finished up my college classes yesterday, and i pray to God i didn't fail them. High school ends in one week and one day. I can't wait, i'm already through with this year. That same day, i'll be going to a concert in Seattle to see Kid Cudi. I've never been to a concert before, except Jonas Brothers and my friend's local band. But i don't think those necessarily count. I'm a little nervous though, because i fear being raped that late at night or being abandoned by the people i'm going with. Hopefully God is by my side that night.

I've discovered recently that I have self-esteem. I think i'm beautiful, no matter what anyone else says. My entire life i've been struggling with self-esteem issues, and i'm finally accepting myself now for who i am - and it's beautiful. I know i need to lose weight still though, because i have very high blood pressure that my doctor said will only get worse with time unless i lose weight. I am not about to have health problems. It's been more difficult then ever to lose weight though, because now i'm actually happy with myself so i have no serious desire to change. i just have to remember my health, and use that as motivation i guess.

I've been so seriously broke lately. I want to buy a cute outfit for the kid cudi concert, and i don't even have enough money to splurge on a $20 dress. It's getting frustrating, because i want to be able to go out and do things, and get new clothes and everything. but i can't. My parents don't buy me anything anymore, and i hate to ask them for money because i know they're struggling too. I've practically been sleeping on metal springs for the past couple months because my bed is so old it's not good anymore, and it's fucking up my back but my parents don't have the money to buy me a new mattress. So i basically buy everything myself, and it's hard because i don't have a job and i don't make enough money to ever have any cash in my wallet. I make $200 a month, and $100 of that goes to my car payment, and then i spend about $60 on gas a month, so that leaves me with about $40 a month to spend on whatever i want. That doesn't get me anywhere, because most of the time I'll have to buy my own lunch when i go out with friends, and then i'll get one piece of clothing and it's gone. I've been babysitting a little bit lately, which is nice because it puts a little bit extra cash in my pocket, but it's still frustrating. I would love to start saving and putting it in the bank, but i never have enough to be able to do that. I just wish i could get a job, but the economy is shit right now and it's practically impossible. BLAH.

I've been lonely lately. I've been so busy that i probably don't even have TIME for a boyfriend, but i really want one. I just want someone that i'd be able to go to for anything, and to spend my free time with. I want to spend my summer with someone that means something to me, because i don't have any true friends that i can be with for more then a few hours without wanting to rip my hair out. I haven't been close to anyone in a very very long time, and it's making me sad. I want someone i can lay in bed and just watch movies with, or even just someone that'll sit next to me when i read. Someone that'll walk through town with me and go in weird stores just because they know i like it. They'll respect the fact that i don't like PDA, and they won't try making out with me in public. I want a cute boy that i'm attracted to, but a boy that i'm able to be civil with a not want to rip his clothes off everytime i see him. Someone who shares similar interests with me, so we can be around eachother and not have any awkward moments. I am very awkward. I want a guy who'll not necessarily treat me like a princess, but just someone who'll treat me with respect. Someone my parents will actually like, for once. Someone that will go and do things with me, and not just sit at home and bore me to death. I want an adventurous soul, a boy who always has surprises up his sleeve. A guy who will go to art shows with me, and watch me try on clothes because he knows i love it. We could wrestle and he could teach me how to do manly things. I could cook for him, and he could try to be cute and feed me. We could cuddle under a blanket in the freezing winter air. We could cuddle under a blanket in the hot summer air. A guy who loves animals, and has a sensitive side. I don't want a total badass, that's not attractive to me. I don't really care what he carries "looks" wise, i just want to be attracted to him. I just want a boyfriend who'll understand that i'm a horrible girlfriend, but i will love him unconditionally no matter what and he'll do the same to me. :( I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I think it's time to stop ranting. What a horrible job i did for my first blog back. Oh well, i'll try harder next time.