perfect is but an illusion.

Boarding the ship, i expected to get a break from home. Things have been bad for a while, and I've finally saved enough money to afford a ticket across the Pacific. I lost my father two years ago, but you would think it just happened yesterday. My mother cries all the time, and my siblings are lost without him; we all are. I couldn't take things any longer, and i needed a break.

Meeting Nate was the last thing on my mind. I didn't expect to socialize with anyone; i didn't even expect to leave my room. But on the third night of the cruise, i was already getting a knock on my door after curfew. Earlier that day I'd eaten lunch with Nate, and just met him for the first time the day before. He came up to me and told me he had been starring at me all day and decided he needed to talk to me. He hasn't left me alone since.

I ran to the door expecting it to be the maid asking if i needed towels or something, but when i opened the door to Nate's smiling face i was surprised. "Cute outfit." I suddenly turned red when i realized i was wearing a short pink pajama dress with ruffles on the bottom and purple beads embroidered on the v-neck breast piece. i had a sheer pink robe over it and wrapped it around myself. He laughed. "No, it's perfect for tonight."

i was confused, until i looked at his wardrobe. He was wearing a gray tshirt with a black clip on bow tie and plaid pajama pants. "What's going on?" I asked. He just smiled and took my hand.

We walked up to the ballroom, which was a room i hadn't been to yet. I couldn't believe what i'd been missing. It was a large room with a wooden floor and beautiful dimmed lights that shined on the dance floor. It was on the deck of the boat, and was guarded by huge glass windows. The sun was just starting to set so the whole room was orange. It was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen in my life. I looked around noticing that there was about ten to fifteen other couples already dancing, and they were all in their pajamas. "It's bedtime ballroom night. Everyone dances in what they sleep in." Nate smiled at me as he took me out on the dancefloor. "Well then explain the cheap bow tie. I know you don't wear that to bed, right?" I said as he laughed.

Everything was perfect. It was better then a dream. I never wanted to forget this moment. Nate's hands rested on my hips as my arms wrapped around his neck. We starred into each other's eyes forever. He was much taller then me, almost six inches to be exact. His hair was short, with a whitish tint mixed in the blond. He wore a black beanie almost all the time, but tonight was the first night he didn't wear one. He had white gauges in his ears, at about a size 0. He was skinny and muscular, just the perfect size for me. The light freckles that lay across his nose were beautiful reminders of my dad. He had freckles just like that. Nate resembled my dad is so many ways, which is why i think he caught my attention so easily.

As we stood on the dance floor, and Nate swayed me back and forth, i was thinking about how things couldn't get any better. Just as these thoughts entered my mind, everything went black. It wasn't from the sun setting, because it was still orange throughout the sky. It was from a large ship that was passing by. Everything happened so fast. The sky turned dark, followed by hundreds of gunshots being fired and the sound of glass exploding.

Everyone fell to the ground, trying to shield themselves from the flying bullets. Nate layed his body on top of me, covering every inch of me and protecting me from anything that came our way. I wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled his body in tighter, and my other hand placed itself on his neck. i buried my face in the other side of his neck, as he kept his head down.

I'd never been so scared in my life. The sound was so loud, every shot sent an echo through the whole room. I wondered if anyone else on the boat could hear. I was sure they could. I let a moan surge through Nate's ear as i felt a sharp pain hit my arm. It felt like a thousand needles had just stabbed me. He asked me what was wrong, and i could hear the fear in his voice. My lips brushed against his neck, as i whispered "I've been shot." His entire body got tense as he began frantically running his hands all over me trying to find my wound, while still trying to cover me. "Where, where?" He asked. I weeped a little and said "Keep your head down."

The shooting felt like it lasted forever, but it was only a few moments longer, until the passing ship's bullets could no longer reach our deck. Everyone lay still on the floor, unsure of their safety to move. The emergency alarms sounded and a man's voice came overhead. "Attention: We have just been attacked. We have no lead on who was on the passing ship or why they decided to shoot. For your safety we ask that all passengers on the cruise stay inside their rooms until further notice. A medic is on it's way to any injured passengers."

People began getting up and running. No one died, only one man was seriously injured. A helicopter flew out and picked him up from a local island and took him to the nearest hospital. Nate immediately looked at my arm, because by this time my blood was dripping all over his neck. I looked down to see the bullet sitting in my arm two inches above my wrist. "Oh god, Jodie. Are you okay? We gotta get that medic over here." I sat still and didn't say a word. Nate left and returned shortly with an older woman in a nurse outfit.

"Let's see what we're dealing with." She said, looking at my arm. "Oh, that's not too serious. The bullet isn't near any bones or muscles, so we can just pull it out like a sliver and bandage it up." and that's exactly what she did.

After we got cleaned up and my arm got bandaged, i asked Nate if i could stay the night with him in his room. I was still scared and he was really worried about me. His eyes lit up and he couldn't agree faster. We walked hand-in-hand together to his room. As soon as i got inside i went straight to his bed and layed down. I was exhausted and all i wanted to do was sleep. Nate took off his blood stained t shirt, revealing his muscle toned stomach. I couldn't help but stare. He was perfect. Everything about him was what i wanted in a guy. I'd known him for such a small amount of time, and yet my feelings for him were growing so fast. Every time i looked at him knots twisted in my stomach.

He lay down next to me, so we both faced each other. "I'm really sorry." he said. "For what?" i asked. He looked right into my eyes. "I wanted tonight to be perfect-" He trailed off. "You couldn't have prevented what happened tonight, Nate! None of this was your fault." He pulled my waist against his, so our belly buttons were touching. "You saved my life." I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was thankful and scared. "How?" I asked. "Your hand was on my neck, remember? If it wouldn't have been there, i probably would've died." I couldn't hold back the tears that started falling down my cheeks. "My dad was killed two years ago. He was shot in the head when he was at war and died instantly. It was the hardest thing i ever went through in my life. He was so important to me. That's the reason i went on this cruise; because i had to get away from my house for a while. I couldn't have lived through you getting killed, too. It would've been too much. I care about you so much-" I started crying to the point where my voice wouldn't stop cracking.

Nate pulled my body even tighter against his. "I'm so sorry about your loss Jodie. You saved my life tonight, and i'm so thankful. I'm not going anywhere." I looked into his eyes and he gently wiped the tears away from my eyes. "You're the girl of my dreams, and i'm so glad you're here with me tonight." Then, without another word, he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft and warm - just another perfect quality about him. He was an amazing kisser, and being in his arms that night made me feel like nothing could harm me. I was safe, i was happy. There, on that bed even after getting shot and opening up about my father, Nate and I shared our first kiss. And, that night was perfect.

Freedom.

Picture in your mind an abandoned school. It contains a large gymnasium, over a hundred empty classrooms, and a twenty foot bard wire fence to keep everyone inside. I was kidnapped and taken here, along with my boyfriend, Nate. I don't remember much about how it happened, they drugged me with something.

I woke up in a dark room. The aroma of dead flesh and vomit poured into my system, as i gagged for fresh air. I couldn't see a thing, and all i could remember hearing was quiet breathing. "hello?" i whispered. Nothing. "Is anyone there?" Complete silence.

I began feeling my way around, brushing my hands on the cold concrete floor as i crawled around trying to reach a wall or the person somewhere near me. I bumped into what felt like a leg, and i began moving my hands up the body. as i reached what i knew was a set of rib cages, i began to panic. I was touching a human skeleton. I tried all i could do to scream but only small whimpers came out. i got up on my feet an started to run, hoping i would hit a wall and find a door, because this room seemed endless.

I got a couple strides before tripping and falling over something. I heard a grunt as i hit the floor. i was still whimpering and having trouble breathing. "Jodie?"
I stopped. I knew that voice. I got on my knees and felt my way back to the person i'd tripped over. When i reached them i instantly started crying. "Jodie, are you ok? What's going on, where are we?"

It was Nate.
"Nate, I'm so glad I found you. We have to get out of here! I just touched a corpse!" I felt his body tense up and he said lets go. We both got up and felt our way around. It felt like hours later, but we'd found it. We reached a door, and got the hell out of that room. We took each other's hand and ran down the hall trying to find an exit. Neither of us could remember what happened or how we got there.

The hallway was just as dark as the room was, but it was a straight path so we didn't have to feel our way around. The windows were boarded up and it was cold. The only sound was our panting and footsteps. We saw a light in the distance and headed for that. I was praying it was a way out of there. I wanted to go home. I wanted to lay in bed with Nate and stare at his beautiful face for hours. I couldn't see his face right now. I wondered if he was ok. I could feel dried blood and a large knot on my jaw, so i figured i must've been punched when i was out. But Nate, God i hoped he was alright.

As we reached the light we noticed it was another room. It was a large gym with cracked backboards and missing basketball nets. There was almost thirty other girls in there, who were standing around with tears in their eyes and scars on their bodies. There were men surrounding them, dressed in camouflage outfits and armed in weapons. "what the hell is this?" whispered Nate as we looked through a small glass window.

One by one girls would be taken into one of the abandoned classrooms and they would come back with ripped clothes and bloody faces. We noticed another door to our left and figured that it might be a way out. Nate slowly opened the door and we looked inside. There was enough light that we could see inside and it looked empty. We started to go inside when we heard a pop, followed by a cry from Nate. He fell to the floor. "You think you bastards can get away from us? Think again!" Two of the camouflage men dragged Nate and i into the gym. I looked down at Nate while he held his leg. His hands were full of blood and he had sweat beads dripping down his face. He lay in the fetal position and rocked back and forth. "Oh my god. He's been shot." i thought to myself. Panic came over me as one of the camo men grabbed me by the neck and said "Listen here, bitch. Your boyfriend is gonna die. No use in taking care of him. Just do as we day an you won't be on that floor with him." The men all left in another room and i fell to the ground next to Nate. "Babe! Oh, god. Are you ok? You're losing a lot of blood!"

Nate was crying. I'd never seen him cry before. He'd seen me cry many times, but this was all wrong. "i'll be alright, I'll be alright. i don't think i can walk on it though." I was so scared; more scared about him then myself. A stranger just told me he was going to kill the love of my life. How am i supposed to react to that?

I ripped the sleeve off my jacket and wrapped it tightly around the wound on Nate's leg. I put his arm over my shoulder and lifted him to his feet.

Nate was tall and slender. He didn't weight a pound over 140, on his fat days. He stood six inches taller then me at 5'9. He had blond-white hair that he usually covered with a black beanie. Looking at him now, his hair was dirty and stained with dried blood. He had a two inch long scratch under his eye that was deep and looked infected.

I helped him over to the wall and set him against it. "i'm going to go talk to these girls and see if i can get any information from them." I walked over to the crowd of scared looking girls. I went up to a blond one with dark makeup smeared around her eyes. She was really pretty, and i bet she had potential to model when she wasn't in this environment.

"What's going on?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Why are we here? What do they want from us?"
She looked around making sure none of the camo men were around.
"We've been kidnapped. These men are involved in human trafficking. They want our labor and our bodies. Some girls are pulled in back rooms to have sex with them; others are forced to work until they pass out cold. Once they're done with you, they kill you and you're put in one of those empty classrooms."
"How did we get here?" I lowered my voice.
"They gave everyone really strong sleeping pills. I used to be addicted to sleeping pills though, so it didn't knock me out. It just relaxed me. I saw everything they did to us on the truck over here. They took our stuff, beat us, and even raped a couple people right away."
I felt like i was going to puke.
"Did you see what they did to me and my boyfriend?"
She looked at Nate and said they had sliced his face with a dirty piece of glass. "You must be one of the ones they're saving for last. The young camo guy punched you in the jaw really hard and said something like 'Save her for me'".
I thanked her for the information and went back to Nate. After telling him everything i'd heard, he kissed me. "I love you."

The men walked in with bags of bread and water cups. "Here's your dinner, bitches!" Everyone got a loaf of bread and cup of water three times a day, for our meals. The first meal i scarfed down my bread and guzzled my water. But the next morning and the meals to come, i always gave my food to Nate. He argued at first, but i wouldn't budge. Looking at him, i could just see how weak and skinny he was getting. He was already small, but with the blood he'd lost and the lack of food, i knew he wouldn't survive long unless he got more strength.

I don't know how long we'd been there. About three girls had disappeared and slowly you could see everyone getting sick. They were bringing the blond girl i'd talked to in the backroom almost three times a day, which meant she'd soon disappear too. I cried myself to sleep every night, but i never slept soundly. I woke up with every little noise and constantly checked to make sure Nate was ok.

It felt like we'd been there years. One morning the young camo guy that had punched me woke us all up. "Hey bitches. We have a game for you to play today. It's called elimination. We're getting new girls in here tomorrow and we need to get rid of a ton of you tonight. So get up, let's play."
The object of the game was this.
It was just like dodge ball, but they used a ball with spikes as sharp as knives. The camo men could hit you as many times as they wanted, but you couldn't hit them. The winner was always the camo men. The game was over when you gave mercy or died.

The young camo man walked up to me before the game started and punched me in the stomach, causing me to fall over. The beatings had gotten more frequent, which meant i'd start getting pulled into the backroom.
He pulled me back up by my hair and put his face against mine. "Watch your boyfriend, he's going first."
The game was the most brutal things i've ever witnessed in my life. The ball left blood dripping on the floor and screams were heard when it was thrown. Young camo ONLY threw at Nate. He never missed either. Nate got hit in the back of the leg, on the arms, once on his stomach, and the worst was on his back. The second it hit him, he fell to the ground screaming. I ran over to him. "He hit my spine! It hit my bone. i can't move, i can't move!" I honestly can't describe how i felt at that moment. I was scared, protective, angry, and hurt. I wanted revenge. I wanted young camo to suffer the way he's made Nate and i suffer. I layed on top of Nate, shielding every part of his body that i could. Every few minutes i felt the sharp pain of the ball slam into a part of my body. Every time i'd let out a moan and Nate would try to whisper comforting words to me. He wanted so bad to protect me. He felt like he should be getting those beatings instead of me, but we both knew he was too weak to handle anything more. He was dying, and i knew i needed to get him out of there. After about ten hits to my back, i hear camo scream "Get up, Bitch!" I turned my head to look. He had set the ball down and gestured that i go into the backroom with him.

I slowly got up, still making sure i blocked Nate from camo. "I'm not going to touch your boyfriend, bitch. Just come with me." I looked down at Nate who lay helpless on the floor. I looked back up at camo, as i noticed no other camo men were in the room. then i got an idea.
"Please, i'll do whatever you want. Just please help him. He's hurt, and i just want to lean him up against a wall. I can't lift him by myself, so can you please do it?"
Camo looked at me funny. "Do i look like i care?"
"Please! That's all i'm asking!"
He gave an annoyed sigh and came over to Nate. Nate flinched as camo touched him, but he was so out of it that he didn't really even know what was going on. I looked at camo's belt and saw his gun hanging there, loaded. He carried Nate across the gym to the empty wall and on his way over i very slickly took his gun. When he set Nate down and turned around, he was surprised to see a gun pointing at his face. "Oh, you f***er!" he yelled.
"Go to hell!" i yelled back and shot him between the eyes.

I quickly picked up Nate and said "Come on baby, we're getting out of here." I kept the gun loaded in my hand because i figured there'd be other camos outside. Nate couldn't walk, so i pretty much dragged him out of there. All the camos were inside so i only had to shoot one on my way out. We opened the gate and i dragged him as fast as i could out of there. Slurring he asked, "what are you doing?" I smiled and replied, "Taking you home. I love you so much." He smiled, lifted his head to look where we were going, then before dropping it he said "Freedom."

Rambles and Rumbles.

I haven't written in a while; i realize this. My summer vacation has been rather uneventful since my California trip. I didn't want to just ramble on about nothing, but i guess that's what i'm going to do anyways. This post is more of an update, just so you know what's been going on with me recently.

I almost bought a car. It was a 1995 isuzu trooper; looked almost brand new. No stains, dents, or problems that i was aware of. It was in my price range too, which is pretty unusual i've found. The owner had put a lot of work into that car, and he was a very nice guy. I was literally a day away from meeting him again to exchange money for the car when my father switched his mind up on me and told me i couldn't get it. He had called a mechanic and they told him that isuzu troopers "nickel and dime people to death". So the plug was pulled. I have approximately eight days until i'm eligable to get my license, and i still don't have a car. I've been searching like crazy, on the internet, all over the roads. I'm getting to the point of desperation, which isn't good. I have a month left until school starts, which isn't a lot of time. i was hoping to at least have a car by the time i get my license, but now my biggest worry is having something to drive by the time school starts. i will not ride the bus again. So that's been a pretty big stress factor for me at the moment.

Along with waiting for a car, i've been trying to save every dime i own (which if you knew me, saving money is the biggest challenge i could possibly face). i won't be getting paid this month, because i owe my sister the amount of money that's on my pay check for borrowing it to buy my new camera last month. So i'll have to go a month without any cash. I never know when something may come up that i need some money for, and if i do find a car i'm going to need gas money. So i haven't gone shopping in a couple of weeks. My aunt wants to take me to the mall next week to shopping too, and it's going to be hard because we're going to a mall with a store that i can't resist going into. So i either have to leave my money at home, or use the only will-power i know i have to not buy anything.

Well, i'm finally starting to get a tan. After getting burnt four different times, people are starting to notice the color change. I still haven't decided what kind of hairstyle i'm going to posess this year, but at least i'll be tan for my school picture.

Yesterday i spent the day sweating off every ounce of body heat i had. I emptied my dresser drawers and made room for the new school clothes i'll be getting in the next month or so. I have tons of shirts that still look decent on me, but i'd like to get a better fashion "rep" this year, because i obviously am not known for having the best style. I only have a couple pairs of jeans, and that's always the hardest thing i have to find when it comes to shopping. my hips are wide, but my butt is small, so it's hard to find a jean that fits just right. My drawers look clean and organized though, which is a good thing. i just need to work on my closet on a day that's not so hot, because trying on tons of jackets and sweatshirts will have me sweating so bad i'll probably pass out.

I've become a huge bookworm lately. I'm on my fourth book so far this summer, and i just enjoy getting lost in books. I'm still having problems with my headaches, which cause me not to be able to read some nights because i feel miserable, but i think most of it is because i'm not getting exercise or fresh air like i should be this summer. my whole "car situation" isn't going as planned, and i'm still stranded at home. The only time i get out of my house is on monday, wednesday, and thursday nights because i work and my mom and i have started taking water aerobics classes at a local gym. i just almost feel like getting a vehicle will cause me to get out so much more and make me feel so much better. I'll start using the gym more, i'll take more walks, i'll go everywhere. i won't sit home day after day like i do now.

i haven't seen my best friend since school got out. She went to Italy for a couple weeks and i haven't talked to her for a while. She just recently got back and we talked on facebook a little bit. i miss her so much. She's the only person i truely truely miss from school. i really can't wait to see her again. She's so beautiful, and i've realized lately how much she means to me. I lost her once when we seperated for Jr. High school, and we didn't talk at all. Maybe a myspace comment was sent once every two or three months. That went along for three years. Then we reconnected this year in high school, and it's been a beautiful experience. I can't imagine my life without her, and i wouldn't want to lose her again. She means more to me then anyone i've ever met. i sure hope i can see her soon, because i can't wait to hear her cute little laugh, or see her beautiful smile.

Speaking of losing best friends...
David leaves in about 30 days.
I feel terrible. I've been so mean to him lately. I've told him he was annoying, and wouldn't let him come over to the house. My sister has had him over here almost every single day. And he acts like her in a way. You know, the immature part. And i honestly don't handle immaturity very well. i can baredly stand being around Darcie sometimes. So having David over everyday, i just needed a break. But realizing how horrible i was treating him, i feel like a complete ass. I don't want him to remember me as "Darcie's rude little sister". He's my brother. My friend. And the truth is, i really am going to miss him when he leaves. I'll ball my eyes out. I really will. When he's not here, i almost feel like a piece of the family is missing. I look around like "Who are we missing?" and i realize "oh yeah, David." I've gotten so used to his company. He makes me laugh harder then anyone else i know. We have more memories then i have with most people. It's just going to be heartbreaking to see him leave. i don't know, it's just hard to think about. i've never met anyone like him.

Beauty.

This woman inspires me. Just saying.

Home Sweet Home.

i spent this past week on a family vacation. if you knew my family, you'd know that when the four of us get together for even five minutes, an argument is sure to blossom. sure enough, this vacation was no different. My sister and i don't even get along anymore, period. she's just continually doing things to piss me off on a daily basis, so i really don't respect her anymore. i know it kills my parents to see us continually choke eachother with hurtful words, but things aren't changing; i'm not sure they can right now.

Anyways, so i was pissed off the whole drive down there. But the second i felt the california air and saw the city buildings i could physically freakin' feel all my anger and frustration melt off my body. i didn't care that i had oreo milkshake dripping down my ankle (my sister accidentally kicked the cup over and it exploded on my leg) i didn't even care.

California absorbs me into some weird mood where i'm continually smiling like an idiot and repeating over and over "i'm so happy; i'm finally home".

I've known since i was just a small kid that California was where i was meant to live. it seemed that's where all the excitement was. something about the place just turns me crazy. (whether that's a good things or a bad thing i don't know. but it feels like a damn good thing). Of course, i still got irritated on the trip. My sensitivity scale was high, and i couldn't control it even if i tried. One night, i was woken up at 3 in the morning. I can sleep through music, but that's about the only noise i can handle. Being so used to sleeping in my room with my door shut in total silence, any unusual sounds left me sleepless.

Now my dad; good god that man snores louder then a freakin' chainsaw. I layed awake, tired and annoyed just wishing so badly i had a fat sleeping pill i could take so i could drowned out the sound. But i didn't have one.

I sat awake over an hour.

I blasted my ipod.

I covered my pillows over my ears.

Nothing worked.

I cried for the entire hour.

Finally i figured i'd just go take a walk to get away from the sound, at the least. People tell me i'm crazy, simply because i've never been afraid to walk alone in the middle of the night. I'm well aware of the creeps who prowl around at night, but i can stick up for myself. it doesn't scare me, it never has. As i decided to take a walk, i realized i didn't possess a key to our hotel room, so i had no way of getting back in.

"How in the hell am i supposed to get away from the snoring?!?! I need to get some sleep!"

Then it dawned on me. Our hotel contained a large bathroom, with a small window vent that let in the traffic's voice. It was sound proof so you couldn't hear anything; not even the obnoxious snoring. i crept into the bathroom, layed down a towel, and layed comfortably on the hard tiled floor. Being the natural city-girl that i am, the sound of traffic was my lullaby; and i slept like a baby until the next morning.

Going to California was definetly an experience for me. Once i finish school, i'd like to travel down Cali to see which city i like best, and eventually move there. What can i say? Washington isn't my cup-of-tea. I'm a true Californian.

Leaving the place, i definetly feel like i left a part of me there. A part i hope to return to soon. i don't think anyone will ever understand the happiness i feel when i'm in California. Even if i tried to explain it to you, i don't think you'd understand. So i don't intend to waste my breath.

Dear User

Dear Drug User,

Baby, You're ruining your life. Do you not understand that? It started with just a casual smoke of pot a day, then it turned into a week. Now i find out you're selling the stuff daily -- on school grounds as well. What's worse then that, is that you've let yourself fall so far into the cracks, i found out today you've been living in a tent for a few weeks and you don't shower anymore. You're homeless at sixteen and all that matters is getting that dope. What has your life become? You've given up. You've let a single drug ruin everything you had going for you.

You had a girlfriend that looked like a barbie; she's simply beautiful. You had drop dead gorgeous looks. Your grades were decent (at least you attended school). You were talented at any sport you played. You had amazing friends who cared about you. You had a life. But guess what? You let that all slip through your fingertips. You gave up on yourself, and now other people are starting to give up on you. What's going to happen in ten, fifteen years?

You're going to end up worse then you are now, or you might not even be alive. You're taking advantage of life. You're making it a huge joke, and it's coming back around to screw you over. You were a good person; a great guy in general. You treated people with respect, you made everyone around you laugh. You were an all around sweetheart. I remember just a couple months ago, when you used to come up to me and make weird dinosaur sounds because you knew it made me smile. Just two months; that's all it took for me to watch you fall. You lost your humor; your gentle touch. The only time you came around was when you needed money, or wanted to ask me if i'd smoke a hit with you. You'd do anything to get high. I could see it in your soul that you weren't the same person. You would lie right to my face and tell me you were okay. You'd transformed into an addict.

Do i feel sorry for you? Undoubtedly. I wish more then anything i could cradle you in my arms like a small infant and fix your problems; but i can't. You're facing the real world, but a world that is harder then most people's. You're living the life of an addict. You live for, die for, breathe for drugs. Nothing else matters to you. So when you're sitting in your tent waiting for your dealer to come, think about one thing. Look at what your life has turned out to be. Does it honestly make you happy? If you can say yes, then i don't want to see texts from you anymore saying you're going to get beat up if you don't pay people, and telling me you miss your old life. If you answer no, then fix it. Get help, it may not be easy but you're strong. I think you'd be able to pull yourself out of this hole you've created.

i care about you, and i know for a fact i'm not the only person that's hurting inside to see you like this. Babe, please stop this long road of addiction. You can do it if you stop soon. I don't want to see your picture in the paper claiming you've ODed on something, or gotten killed from gang members. I want to know you've gone on to success and happiness with a big family and lots of children. You'd make a great dad sober. You'd make a great husband sober.

I love you, please help yourself.
From ____, with love.

Goodbyes

Dear Goodbyes,
Whether i greet you for a day, a week, a year, or forever. The taste of your sound on my tongue makes me feel like physically getting sick. My emotions spin inside my head and i feel like my heart is being dragged on a string by a small child who assumes it's their priceless teddy bear.

We are not guarenteed a tomorrow. No one expects the outcomes that sometimes occur. when i say goodbye, i assume it's forever. I make no plans in advance; i give no promises. because i've gotten broken worse then the most fragile porcelin doll in my past. I've given out my heart and soul, to find a heartless goodbye thrown my way. Friendships, relationships, and sometimes even family is broken from a fragile word like you. Your meaning is stronger then the moon's force, but its interpretation is weak.

The empty feeling after saying goodbye is the worst. Words can't even describe. I feel lost, sometimes even powerless. I wish sometimes i had the strength to just walk out and never come back again without shedding a single tear, but i don't. Once i meet somebody, they're forever embedded in my mind. Their face lingers around until i'm driven mad. Maybe that just means i care. Maybe it makes me seem weak. Either way, goodbye -- i do not like hearing your name ring in my ears. It's the worst sound i've ever heard, and unfortunately i've been hearing alot of you lately.

Please, goodbye. Go away and never come back. I don't even want to have to speak of you again.
From ____, with love.