by your side*/}

Beauty.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010, 8:07 PM

This woman inspires me. Just saying.

Labels: Inspiration, modeling, plus-sized, Tara Lynn

Hope is for the Hopeless.

Thursday, May 20, 2010, 2:20 PM

Inspiration has been lingering around the air lately, and emotions have been filling inside my heart. My pen had no better say then to find it's way onto my notebook and decided a blog must be written. I've been chipping my firetruck red nailpolish, biting my lip, and stuttering an exessive amount lately. I know i have a lot going on, but things tell me there must be something serious that's digging at my organs. To be honest, i can't pinpoint what exactly it is though.

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I just recently found out that two girls i attended elementry school with are pregnant at sixteen. It's a weird situation to look at someone that i've known my whole childhood and think that now they're having a child of their own. As a personal opinion, i've seen how tricky teenage motherhood is. It brings a lot of struggles and even for couples who think they're going to be together forever; a child changes everything. I hope these girls the best, i know i could never do it. It'd destroy everything i've ever worked for. A child could not be an option for me at this age.

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When someone is cheated on, they get a feeling of vulnerability and wonder why they weren't good enough. Their self esteem gets shot to its grave, and it makes a person feel worthless. I've been cheated on; it seriously does kill any confidence you have for yourself. I never understood the point of cheating. I saw it as, if you're not happy with the person you're in a relationship with, then don't be in a relationship with them. Plain and simple. Being unfaithful and slutty is just unnecessary.

Infidelity is disgusting. But to be honest, lying about your past and/or feelings towards someone grosses me out even more. When i find out i've been lied to in a relationship, i feel like i've been dating a stranger. It's like kissing a disease stained pig, and i honestly just want to wash my face in acid, because soap will not do the job. I just don't understand why honesty is so hard to come by these days. Not just in relationships, but in friendships too. I'm making my own happniess my first priority these days. I have a couple really important people in my life, but other then that it's just about me now, building myself as a person and getting to where i need to be.

While I'm on the topic of relationships, i realized something recently that kind of got me thinking. I don't really think i've ever fallen in love with a person yet. I believed i had at the time, but looking back on it, i think i fell in love with the fact of being in a relationship. I haven't been around someone long enough to actually be able to fall in love with them. The idea of someone caring about me, and being able to kiss them whenever i want is something i love. It always takes me a long time to get over breakups but i realize it's not because i miss the person who hurt me. I just miss having someone to act special around. I never have fallen in love yet. There's been many times i thought i have, especially in these recent blogs if you've read them, but it's all been a big false alarm. Maybe i don't even know what love is. I know i love my family, and the few friends that i do have. and i know i love being in a relationship. But i guess i have to really care about someone to actually even consider dating them, because i'm not the type of person who thinks just anyone is attractive. It's pretty rare for moi to think a person is someone i could end up being with. Love, is just complicated. It confuses me and I quite honestly just don't think i'm ready to fall in love yet.

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i think it's simply amazing when i see a man putting his soul into words. i'm well aware of women having strong and sophisticated thoughts, but when i come across a guy with the most beautiful writing and totally honest words scattered across his page, i find it inspiring. my breath is literally taken away for a moment. i once saw a man whose words spoke true poetry, and it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever witnessed. ive never met a man who took the time to sit and write a real, honest biography about himself in such depth. i love seeing things like that.

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Today i spent my whole lunch period sitting down talking with a friend. He's a great guy, and i really care about him. he opened up to me, and i listened to everything he told me. It was a good conversation, i've never really been serious with him before. I told him a friend of his, who was passing by, smelled good everytime he walked by me. So he proceeded to tell his friend i thought he smelled good and thought he was sexy. Did i die? Yes, i believe i did. It was a good lunch, i haven't had one like that in a while.

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Things have been really good for me lately. Although my headaches are still being left unsolved, I've been improving on my weightloss. I've lost an inch around my waist, improved my mile time by 1:07, and even lost five more pounds. My emotions have been pouring out of me, as my struggle for change has left me weak and emotional. I'm fighting so hard for this life that i want, and it's challenging every last strength in me. My hope contains itself when i start to see progress, but once it fades i begin losing what i so badly want. Life is a rollarcoaster, there's no preparing for what ride is on the way.

Labels: friends, Inspiration, pregnancy, relationships

Another Year, Another Blog.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009, 2:53 PM

Well, considering there's only two days left in 2009, this will most likely be my last blog of this year. i've been taking time to reflect on what exactly i made of this past year. Nothing comes to mind, how sad. I graduated jr. high school, with about a C average. That's not worth cheering about. I got myself suspended for not being able to close this large mouth of mine - maybe i should've just gotten a muzzle. I let some guys take advantage of me, in ways i'm not proud of. Nothing i've done this year is anything i would call an "accomplishment." But, at the same time, all these incidents have made me realize what a shitty job i was doing at living. And now that i have my head screwed on properly again, i've been living better. My grades are up, my spirit is slowly climbing higher, and i'm not getting myself in sticky situations. I've thrown the possibility of falling in love right now out the window. There's no way i'm going to successfully manage a relationship at this point in my life. I've also thrown out my rebellious ways. No more giving my body to others, or sharing it with others. I have self respect, and dignity. And i couldn't be more proud. 2010, will be my year. Although i say that alot, this time i'm backing up my statements.

I've started working out. It's a shock, even to me. But i've made a goal. On December 14th, i decided i needed this change. That by the exact day (December 14th), of next year, i will try my hardest to lose up to 100 pounds. I'm not saying i'll accomplish it, because i know that's a damn hard thing to do, considering how much weight that is, but i'm sure as hell gonna try. It's been two weeks, and i've lost six pounds. My goal, is to average about 10 pounds a month. And i'll be good. So, we'll see if this falls through. This is getting to be my last chance. If i don't shape up, and get healthy, who knows what will happen. I'll probably become very ill. and that's not something i want. I'm doing this for myself now. Not for anyone else. So maybe that's the ingredient i need to succeed at this. Wish me luck, i'm going to need all i can get.

Looking at my previous blogs, they've all been upsetting. I'm not happy. Or, i wasn't when i wrote them. But at the moment, i'm actually very happy. I realized just exactly what was making me unhappy. My dreams, my ideas. They left me, out cold in the street. I couldn't imagine happiness. I only had dreams of being sick, and sad. Fortunately, i found them again. I'm even writing again. I've got a great idea for a story. It's so personal, it's almost over powering. But i'm determined to finish it this time. I've never finished a story in my life. This needs to be my first. My mind is like, on overdrive right now. Almost as if catching up, for lost time. It's crazy. But i'm glad. I'm so glad my head is back.

My holidays have been great. My Christmas was quiet, very quiet in fact. On Christmas Eve, my uncle and Grandmother(on my mom's side) came over. We played Yahtzee, because she loves that. She's still pretty weak from her heart surgery in April, but she's getting so much better. She was like, offering to cook, and help set the table and everything. It was so awesome to see her like that. We opened gifts, and spent time together. Although it was quiet, it was still very special, to all of us. My grandmother on my dad's side, is still pretty sick. He went to visit her on Christmas Day, and came home histerical. I've never heard him that upset. And it crushed me. He said she was screaming like mad. She didn't care about the gifts he'd gotten her. All she did was scream. He told me he couldn't take it. He had to get out of there. How crushing is that? For a son to see his mother so unhappy on Christmas? It's heartbreaking. The rest of that day, we spent at my aunt's house. My dad tried not to think about that morning, and we actually had a great time. We played tons of games, and took loads of pictures. From Santa, i got a beautiful new acoustic guitar, which i'm very excited about. I also got a jukebox! the one i've been wanting. It's an ipod dock, but it looks like a mini jukebox. it even lights up, it's awesome. I finally finished my mom's scrapbook too, a day before Christmas Eve. She LOVED it, i'm so glad. i spent so much time and money on that, she couldn't believe it.

As for New Years, i'm not 100% sure what my family has planned. But i'm sure it will be nice.

I've been deciding back and forth what i should make as a resolution. I think i'll keep it plain and simple. Every year, for the past probably four years, i've made a resolution of losing weight. And it's never happened. So, i'm not making that one again. I'll just DO IT, instead of say that i'm doing it. I think I'm just going to make a goal of living my life to the fullest possible advantage. I want to make something of this year. 2009 slipped by my fingertips, and i'm NOT letting 2010 do that, too. So i'm gonna have fun, while still getting things done that need to be.

I think this blog is long enough now:) I'll post more later.
So, Have a f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c new years.<3>

Labels: Christmas, Inspiration, New Years