by your side*/}

Hope is for the Hopeless.

Thursday, May 20, 2010, 2:20 PM

Inspiration has been lingering around the air lately, and emotions have been filling inside my heart. My pen had no better say then to find it's way onto my notebook and decided a blog must be written. I've been chipping my firetruck red nailpolish, biting my lip, and stuttering an exessive amount lately. I know i have a lot going on, but things tell me there must be something serious that's digging at my organs. To be honest, i can't pinpoint what exactly it is though.

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I just recently found out that two girls i attended elementry school with are pregnant at sixteen. It's a weird situation to look at someone that i've known my whole childhood and think that now they're having a child of their own. As a personal opinion, i've seen how tricky teenage motherhood is. It brings a lot of struggles and even for couples who think they're going to be together forever; a child changes everything. I hope these girls the best, i know i could never do it. It'd destroy everything i've ever worked for. A child could not be an option for me at this age.

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When someone is cheated on, they get a feeling of vulnerability and wonder why they weren't good enough. Their self esteem gets shot to its grave, and it makes a person feel worthless. I've been cheated on; it seriously does kill any confidence you have for yourself. I never understood the point of cheating. I saw it as, if you're not happy with the person you're in a relationship with, then don't be in a relationship with them. Plain and simple. Being unfaithful and slutty is just unnecessary.

Infidelity is disgusting. But to be honest, lying about your past and/or feelings towards someone grosses me out even more. When i find out i've been lied to in a relationship, i feel like i've been dating a stranger. It's like kissing a disease stained pig, and i honestly just want to wash my face in acid, because soap will not do the job. I just don't understand why honesty is so hard to come by these days. Not just in relationships, but in friendships too. I'm making my own happniess my first priority these days. I have a couple really important people in my life, but other then that it's just about me now, building myself as a person and getting to where i need to be.

While I'm on the topic of relationships, i realized something recently that kind of got me thinking. I don't really think i've ever fallen in love with a person yet. I believed i had at the time, but looking back on it, i think i fell in love with the fact of being in a relationship. I haven't been around someone long enough to actually be able to fall in love with them. The idea of someone caring about me, and being able to kiss them whenever i want is something i love. It always takes me a long time to get over breakups but i realize it's not because i miss the person who hurt me. I just miss having someone to act special around. I never have fallen in love yet. There's been many times i thought i have, especially in these recent blogs if you've read them, but it's all been a big false alarm. Maybe i don't even know what love is. I know i love my family, and the few friends that i do have. and i know i love being in a relationship. But i guess i have to really care about someone to actually even consider dating them, because i'm not the type of person who thinks just anyone is attractive. It's pretty rare for moi to think a person is someone i could end up being with. Love, is just complicated. It confuses me and I quite honestly just don't think i'm ready to fall in love yet.

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i think it's simply amazing when i see a man putting his soul into words. i'm well aware of women having strong and sophisticated thoughts, but when i come across a guy with the most beautiful writing and totally honest words scattered across his page, i find it inspiring. my breath is literally taken away for a moment. i once saw a man whose words spoke true poetry, and it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever witnessed. ive never met a man who took the time to sit and write a real, honest biography about himself in such depth. i love seeing things like that.

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Today i spent my whole lunch period sitting down talking with a friend. He's a great guy, and i really care about him. he opened up to me, and i listened to everything he told me. It was a good conversation, i've never really been serious with him before. I told him a friend of his, who was passing by, smelled good everytime he walked by me. So he proceeded to tell his friend i thought he smelled good and thought he was sexy. Did i die? Yes, i believe i did. It was a good lunch, i haven't had one like that in a while.

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Things have been really good for me lately. Although my headaches are still being left unsolved, I've been improving on my weightloss. I've lost an inch around my waist, improved my mile time by 1:07, and even lost five more pounds. My emotions have been pouring out of me, as my struggle for change has left me weak and emotional. I'm fighting so hard for this life that i want, and it's challenging every last strength in me. My hope contains itself when i start to see progress, but once it fades i begin losing what i so badly want. Life is a rollarcoaster, there's no preparing for what ride is on the way.

Labels: friends, Inspiration, pregnancy, relationships