by your side*/}

The strength inside the weak.

Monday, June 7, 2010, 4:00 PM

Dear Death,

You frighten every part of me. Each bone in my body feeds into jellow, my skin loses color and my voice disappears when you come close. You have power no one in the world can control. You have the ability to end a human life in just a single moment. You need no warning, no reassurance. You just take a life --- like that. People's dreams; their hope. It all dies with the news of their family/friend passing on.

How could you be so cruel? Somtimes you're taking away the only person someone may have in their life. You give them one last breath, then snatch their soul away without letting them say goodbye. Do you take other people's souls because you don't have one of your own?

Surely you realize there is one thing more powerful then you. That thing is love. You may take away dreams, and life. But you can't take away the love shared between specific individuals. That's one thing that lives on forever.

I've lost many friends, as well as family members to you. You've left me crying for days only to choke on my tears. My heart has taken multiple bullets from you, but you still see me chugging along. Love keeps me away from you; love keeps me alive. I'm starting to gain a strength inside me that i've never had. I try not to let myself get hurt by you. Goodbyes are slowly getting easier to say, and realization that someday i'll soon see my good friends again makes things easier. Your strength may frighten others, but i'm done letting it frighten me. Death is sad, and can be draining both physically and emotionally. As i continue to get older, there is more people i know dying. It leaves a giant knot inside my stomach to think someday everyone i know right now will eventually be dead, including myself. I find myself constantly wondering what happens after death. Is everything over? Do we get another chance at life?

i always imagined heaven like being a military. God assigns you with a life he thinks you can handle, and you'd be sent out to try everything new. Suicides were caused by a lack of strength, and god wouldn't punish you for that. He'd simply claim his judgement was off. I guess everyone's vision of heaven is different. Some don't even believe in it.

A recent death just occured that sent my curiousity through the roof, and my stomach through my throat. A very beautiful, intelligent 18 year old boy died of a drug addiction. My heart goes out to his family and to him. They're all beautiful people. This is not an unusual accurance, but the fact that he is so young, and seemed like such a good kid simply makes my insides turn. How could you take such a soul like his with you? It's too great to be in your hands. He deserves to still be alive. He made a mistake, but he isn't a bad person. Love is still keeping his spirit alive, as it always will.

I don't want to die.

I know everyone does someday, but i feel like my time is coming too fast. i enjoy life too much to be in your hands anytime soon. Everyday is a new dream, a new adventure. And my adventures aren't over. So don't think you're coming near me anytime soon.
From ____, with love.

Labels: death, drugs, heaven, love

Dreams only come in moderations.

Thursday, March 25, 2010, 4:04 PM

Apologies, my friend. Your page has been missing my mind lately, as you can tell by all of these days passing without a single blog. I must get better at this, it's a goal. I've got a lot lingering around though, things i'm just dying to write down. So, you're in luck.

First of all, I'll start with the sad news. There's always something, it seems. A beloved coach at my school died of brain cancer the other night. It's very sad, and even though i didn't know him, it still breaks my heart. About a week before that, my dear grandmother died. It's a complicated situation, but i guess she died of starvation. She had multiple strokes that left her almost paralyzed, and she couldn't eat or drink anymore. Her only option was to be fed through a tube, or starve. and she didn't want to be fed through the tube. So she chose to die. I'm not angry in any way. I'm glad she's not suffering anymore. I just always feel like a terrible person when i think about it because i broke a promise to her that i can never un-do. Since i was a little girl, she always told me she wanted to read something i wrote, because it seemed i always had a notebook in my hand, writing stories about anything on my mind. I promised her one day i'd let her read something. Days and days past, and she'd gotten so sick recently, she wouldn't have even known if i was there reading it to her. So i broke a promise. And i feel awful for it. I know she'd understand, but it's still a weight i have to carry on my shoulders for the rest of my life.

Moving on,. I took my driver's test last night and passed! I was so excited. I thought it was funny though, because in my "fortune/horoscope" that i read earlier that day said i would ace my next exam. Then my test number was number 9, which is my lucky number. And i ended up missing 9 questions, which is just enough to pass. Funny how things work. But no matter. All i need now is a car to call my own, as well as august to come so i can get my license.

My weightloss is not as successful as ive been hoping. I've managed to jump from losing zero pounds, to ten pounds, and i tend to bounce in between the two weights alot. I'm trying so very hard to lose another fifteen pounds by the end of the school year, (June 17th) But it'll be rather difficult. Even though it's a slow process, i'm at least glad my weight has been going down. Whether it's a pound a month, or ten. It's slowly declining, and i'm happy. My self confidence has been at an all time low, and unless i get these pounds to fly off, it's not going to improve much.

I've been thinking alot lately. And i've been having tons of dreams about dancing. I don't even know how to dance, but some how i can't get over the thought of how much i'd like to go out and just dance, dance my heart out with someone i love. I've gone to school dances, but nothing's ever actually happened. I've shook my butt, and stood around, but i've never truely been in someone's arms and danced, or even slow danced. That would be nice, don't you think?

well, i better get going. I'll write more later<3

Labels: dancing, death, driving, weight loss